Continuing from Set Aside Part I… (If you haven’t read that yet, click here)
My teen years during that season of darkness and abuse (though I was unaware that is what was going on at the time) were a bit of a blur. I lived Track & Field Season to Track & Field Season, grateful to have something I enjoyed to be a part of to look forward to each year. During that time I got plugged in with the wrong things, people, attitudes and my family had stopped going to church for unrelated reasons. My family didn’t know what was going on, other than that I had become more of a hard-headed person who was difficult to deal with. I pushed my family away; for some reason after the abuse began it somehow felt wrong to be close to my family, so hugs made me bristle and act rude and I didn’t feel right being affectionate with my loved ones anymore. Somehow affection became something I felt was only something I could have with a guy in a sexual context, I lost my context of affection being good beyond that. I wanted to hug my Mom and Dad!! I grew up in a hugging and loving family! The abuse changed that. I couldn’t appreciate love and affection in proper context anymore. I experienced a lot of misuse and abuse during those years, almost always from grown men. In the Midst of all this my Dad got laid off when the recession hit, and my family was struggling financially. In order to keep afloat my Dad found the only job he could, in Texas; so my Dad moved 16 hours away to work to provide for us and I saw him maybe twice a year. That was bad timing. Set Aside #10: I can’t be close to my loved ones anymore, I am alone and vulnerable.
I had decided to join the Military at some point, and began pursuing the U.S Army, which ended up not being challenging enough to keep my interest; enter the United States Marine Corps. I had always been inexplicably strong, especially for a girl, and I liked to be challenged and I wanted to grow in ways I couldn’t or wouldn’t on my own. So when I got a taste for the challenge and camaraderie the Marines had, I was hooked. I eventually went to Boot Camp, MOS School, and then hit the fleet in Okinawa, Japan. Little did I know how much that island would change me.
2012 was a hard year. 2013 was a hard year. 2014 was a hard year. When I hit the fleet I was the only straight female in my company, so I was like a piece of bacon on a stick in front of a pack of starving coyotes. I wish I was exaggerating. I was naive. Up to that point I had experienced my fellow Marines as Brothers, I trusted them and they treated me like a Sister. I had no context to expect otherwise from my Unit. Sadly, that changed fast. I went from the new boot who didn’t drink to being invited to join, eventually caving in and the next thing I would know is that I was waking up naked next to someone the next morning. I was mortified inside. I pretended to laugh it off, but it really bothered me because I never wanted to be that person or have that happen, so I classified these events as ‘less than consensual’ but never rape. Rape is supposed to be violent, right? I didn’t know what happened. What I slowly learned was this, Set Aside #11: No matter what you do people will have their way with you anyway, why fight it anymore? I’m a worthless piece of meat.
In the midst of the sexual abuse I tried to be normal, but people I worked with could tell something was wrong (especially my Master Sergeant) and often asked what was wrong. I had so many encounters where I was a blubbering broken mess of tears just trying to choke down the truth and not cave in on myself while pretending thing’s were ok to them. I wish now that I had told them the truth. I had developed PTSD from the assaults, but more so from the severe social ostracism and verbal abuse, though I didn’t yet know that is what I had. I developed a heart palpitation, insomnia, weight gain, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, the 1,000 yard stare… you name it. It affected me. It affected my work. I felt like, and was treated as, a bad Marine. Marines have pride. You damage a Marines pride as a Marine and you’ve basically taken away the majority of that Marines identity and left them on shaky ground. On top of all that, I was seriously injured during training and my leg never healed – so I was no longer even physically strong;and in the Marine Corps weakness is viewed as repulsive. Set Aside #12: I’m a bad Marine. I don’t deserve to be a Marine. Marines don’t cry or feel broken. I don’t belong here.
It was here in this chapter that I became suicidal. At some point, all the abuse and hurt breaks you… even a Marine feels that. A Marine who can’t take the weight of their own emotions? What kind of Marine is that? I joined to be a Warfighter. I joined to do the hard things. I couldn’t take existing anymore. What a poor excuse for a Marine, I felt. Set Aside #13: I can’t handle it. I would rather die. So I began walking to work crossing the roads without looking for buses, in hopes someone might just crush me in front of all the people who mistreated me.
(This chapter of my life will be expanded on in a later post, what you need to know for now is that it was through that chapter that I came to a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, and my heart and will to live changed in ways I never imagined. I had joy and peace.)
After I asked Jesus into my life He started to change me, my life, and my influences and desires. I had a solid community off-base who loved on me and spoke truth into my life. Then, since Military life is a transient life, in the same two-week period my closest friends all left the island. I was lonely and didn’t have those people there to speak life into me. I should have turned to Jesus, but I turned to old habits and went drinking with a new girl friend. That turned into me making a serious compromise. And that is also when I met my future husband. From the get-go I knew he wasn’t a man of God, but I felt like no Godly man would ever take an interest in me (none had before then) especially after I messed up as a born-again Christian. He wasn’t a bad guy, but he wasn’t a Godly one either. He made me laugh, smile, and genuinely took an interest in me so I clung to him. We married. Things went far, far, far south. Set Aside #14: No man will ever be loyal to you. No man in your life will ever be willing to pursue God on his own. No man can ever love you. No man will ever keep his word. There is no guarantee he won’t abandon you, even with a wedding vow. That’s what happened. I’ve been separated over a year now, and divorced for almost 3 months.
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Hey Guys! Thanks for sticking around for part 2! Don’t worry, this isn’t me throwing a pity party- God has given me something great to share through all this, and it’s next up in the series! I want to invite you to take time to think about all the moments in your life where you felt set aside; I encourage you to write them down! It will all make sense in Part III.
Update: VBS this week has been going well! Today and tomorrow will be the older kids (8-12) VBS and we are excited to minister to these kids. Please pray God stirs their hearts and fills them with His love this week! Tomorrow we are serving Freedom House Ministries and I’m excited for that as well.
I have another fundraising deadline coming up in a few weeks! I still need $3k to stay on this journey and ministry! Please donate at the top of my blog homepage!
