Dear John Doe’s,
I’m letting you go. This is one of the hardest things in my life to choose to do. I haven’t been able to separate our memories from my soul and letting go of all we’ve been through together… it’s far beyond more difficult than I could have imagined. I’ve been using you as a safety net in my life, you’ve been inextricably linked to the destiny of my heart. I think of you and I think of the safety I felt, the laughter we shared, the good memories we made together! I also see that I tend to gloss over the ugly parts of us; your emotional unavailability, my naïve neediness, your disinterest in things that were of the uttermost importance for me, your addictions, my loneliness right beside you… the list goes on.
I pause to wonder what on Earth my life will look like the next time I’m laying out in the desert watching the stars… who will be beside me, and will your face be what I see when I’m looking for the Little Dipper?
Did I ever truly “love” you? Were you “my love”, or were you my savior? Did I “love” you for you, the way every person deserves, or did I “love” you for rescuing me from my problems just when I really needed it? Maybe I didn’t love you, maybe I’m realizing that you were merely my parachute, my scapegoat, my exit plan, my personal diversion, my light in the dark that shouldn’t have been used as a torch? Did I unwittingly use you? I’m so sorry.
I realize a lot of my John Doe’s were victims of timing. You came into the picture just when I needed something, and had I known then what I know now I might’ve recognized that it was internal processing and reflection I needed; I needed to make changes in my life, move things, remove people, be bold and stand up for myself in order to find the change I needed. I distracted myself with you, and in the process I wasted your time. Wow… that’s rough. I didn’t feel like the bad guy, but now I see I was a passive villain in my relationships. I used them and manipulated them to meet my own ends, sure I wasn’t doing it intentionally! I did that subconsciously. How many of you suffered for it?
Honestly, it feels gross to recognize this. I’m not airing my dirty laundry, I’m being honest about my life and hope I can help others recognize when they might be in the same cycles and patterns. Guys, girls, ladies and gents… woah. Let’s not use people for our own needs and lets be aware enough to recognize when someone is using us. I’ve been unknowingly on both ends of this game and neither side was more enjoyable than the other.
So, John Doe’s, I’m letting you go. Out of my memories (removing those emotional strings), out of my options (no more messages when I want some validation, no flirty texts when you miss me) and out of my future (it’s not happening again). This is my last goodbye. Psalms 126:5 Says “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.” I’m ready to let you go… I’m deleting the pictures that remain, I’m cutting the strings that keep us attached, and I’m going to cling to my true and only Savior till he places Mr. Right’s hands with mine. THAT MAN, HE WILL 100 % BE WORTH THE LETTING GO TODAY.
The next time I’m gazing at the stars with someone I “love” it will be THE MAN God planned to be with me, and you won’t cross my mind at all.
Go be free John Doe, find that rock of your salvation, and be standing there when he hands you the precious hand of your Mrs. Right.
