This morning I’m waking up to the sound of birds chirping, dogs barking (so many dogs), chickens calling and the oscillating fan in my room on high blowing the curtains ever so gently, casting the shadows and sun rays across the walls in a dance-like little sway.
I woke up thanking God. “Thanks God, you know I love waking up to the sound of birds.”
I woke up and apologized to Him for my common lack of gratitude and surplus of complaints. I thanked Him for my sleep, my team, my opportunities, my life, my friends, my family… but then I had to apologize again.
I had to tell Him that I’m sorry for the grudges I’ve been holding onto.
Something the last 24+ hours showed me was how many sore-spots I still carry with me; the places and behaviors and ticks that set me off in unrighteous irritation with only the slightest provocation. Conflict and I do not have a great relationship, irritation and argument have been ghosts in my attic for many years and their presence infuriates me. When I was active duty in the Marines (which ended 3 years ago last week to be exact) I encountered SO MUCH CONFLICT. Between my sexual assault cases, my injuries, my PTSD, my barracks and my lack of sleep – I had my fair share of conflict.
But much of the conflict I encountered was toxic, unhealthy and demeaning.
I literally had people scream in my face (besides my Drill Instructors), slam doors in my face, yell curses at me, tell me to my face they don’t care what I think, tell me they don’t like me, insult me deeply, disregard my humanity and generally belittle me in any way they possibly could. And if you can’t tell from the way I typed that… it still stings. I still carry those wounds with me. I still hear those insults echoing in the deepest receses of my subconscious. It makes me angry because there was nothing I could do, and these days when I encounter unreasonable people I feel the same way; I feel unhinged anger and frustration, hopelessness and confusion.
I was raised in a household that was super sensitive to the needs, emotions, well-being and happiness of others. My house was the “Golden Rule” house where we treated each other the way we would want to be treated, and if we failed to do so we faced consequences and had to rectify the situations with each other. I assumed that was the way all people were, but the real world is a very different place, so because of that difference in attitude I got hurt a lot.
As I was thanking God this morning, and wondering in my mind what life post-WorldRace will look like, I realized that the grudges and hurts from past conflicts have been holding me back in my life. Yesterday I was so irritated by small conflicts (totally unrelated to ministry) that after dinner I swam for over 20 minutes, went for a 20+ minute run (for context I DON’T RUN), then did 20+ minutes of yoga on the roof. I was trying to exhaust the supply of irritation I felt inside! I wanted to run till my problems were forgotten but my legs gave out before I reached that point. After the rooftop Yoga I was laying alone on my mat under the stars and the moon, looking up and talking to God about why was I so upset and I kind of just let it go and came to my room to go to bed.
Thankfully God knows how to sift us to bring out the unhealthy things so they can be removed.
I woke up this morning feeling grateful, feeling hopeful, feeling blessed and at peace with the future. Then He showed me the faces and names of the people I said I had forgiven, but in my heart I still resented and despised. Woah. That is a heavy thing to admit holding towards people, especially as a Christian. I don’t know moving forward what that will look like to forgive them and move forward in healing. I do know that I want to be a person who loves, doesn’t take offense, bridges divides between people, helps others to find healing and empowers the people around me to communicate freely and work through conflict in a healthy way.
Today I want to begin this journey, to learn to forgive and allow healing to fill the spaces that hurt has occupied in the shadows of my heart. I want to grow! I believe that if I allow God to use the hurts of my past to refine me rather than define me – that I will discover it only fertilizes the soil of my heart and allows me to grow stronger and more beautiful in his time.
***Update! I’m currently at $14,500 out of $18,700 for funding!! It’s looking really hopeful that I can stay on the race but still have to reach the full amount in order to do so. Thank you SO MUCH to those who have been donating!! I don’t have a clue who my anonymous donors have been BUT I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!!! God bless you, you’re LITERALLY answering prayers. <3 <3 <3
