God, please, don’t make me forgive her.
Why are you asking me to forgive her? She hurt me. She mistreated me. She lied to me, lied about me and she abused my reputation. She slammed doors in my face, tuned me out and woke me in the middle of the night without a care for my rest.
I brought her gifts, I went out of my way to bring her good things, I wanted her to feel loved by the Father and extended my hand in friendship. She took my gifts and kept her hard heart towards me. She was friendly when it suited her, but she always put me up to be sacrificed if it was between me and her desires. We did life alongside each other, but we never did life together. She hurt me. She spat on me. She brought me to bitter tears. She likely doesn’t know, nor does she care that her behavior caused so many tears.
Her name is Juangorena. Her name is Luna. Her name is Anjelica.
These are people I have held onto the heartache and rejection from for years, people who hurt me in deep wounds that you can’t see by just looking at me. Today God has asked me to forgive them, for my own sake I want to be able to forgive so I can heal and move forward in my life, but today I told Him I just can’t forgive. I don’t know how to forgive them, how to let go of the massive tracts of land these pains they planted have taken up in the scabby underbelly of my soul. He is asking me to forgive, and I know that I have no right to withhold forgiveness when God has forgiven me all my failures. I feel like I’m pent up, filled with unforgiveness but desiring to experience the freedom, healing and the growth of forgiving; this part of my heart needs to breathe again. I need more life inside of me, and there is so much pasture land in my soul that’s dead and occupied by the pain these girls left me with…
As I sat here reading another draft for a blog, I felt tears come to my eyes. I recently discovered Jesus in Psalms 69, and since then I have been empathizing and relating to my savior far more than ever before; I have been sitting here listening to Psalms 69 on Dwell as I am writing and I realized how much sorrow and wrestling Jesus actually felt inside Him while he was on Earth. I also realized… maybe I found how to forgive them after all.
By re-reading my own words, but from Jesus perspective and with me.
Why are you asking me to forgive Brittany? Brittany hurt me. Brittany mistreated me. Brittany lied to me, lied about me and Brittany abused my reputation. Brittany slammed doors in my face, tuned me out and woke me in the middle of the night without a care for my rest.
I brought Brittany gifts, I went out of my way to bring Brittany good things, I wanted Brittany to feel loved by the Father and extended my hand in friendship. Brittany took my gifts and kept her hard heart towards me. Brittany was friendly when it suited her, but Brittany always put me up to be sacrificed if it was between me and her desires. We did life alongside each other, but we never did life together. Brittany hurt me. Brittany spat on me. Brittany brought me to bitter tears. Brittany likely doesn’t know, nor does she care that her behavior caused so many tears.
Who am I to hold a grudge when the God who gave up His life for me didn’t hesitate to forgive me?
Psalms 69:5 O God, you know how foolish I am; my sins cannot be hidden from you.
2 There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.
4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.
6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.
7 He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.
8 Unjustly condemned, he was led away. No one cared that he died without descendants, that his life was cut short in midstream. But he was struck down for the rebellion of my people.
9 He had done no wrong and had never deceived anyone. But he was buried like a criminal; he was put in a rich man’s grave.
10 But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.
11 When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of his experience, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous,f or he will bear all their sins.
12 I will give him the honors of a victorious soldier, because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among the rebels. He bore the sins of many and interceded for rebels.
(Isaiah 53 2:-12 NLT)
Maybe I don’t know how to forgive such deep wounds, or the people who gave them to me; but I know a God who bore the deepest wounds, and the people who hurt Him and still forgive them… forgive people like me.
Maybe all I can do is take my fences off the wounds, tell God He can take the land and do what He sees fit with it. I don’t know what to do moving forward to keep from being hurt in similar situations, but Jesus didn’t back down when he was faced with people or situations that could hurt him; so maybe all I can do in the future is remember Psalms 69 and his sacrifice. Maybe all I can do is let God handle the aftermath of my pain and be brave enough to stay standing when pain does come to me.
So Juan, Luna, Anjelica, though you may never see this and maybe you don’t care that I even exist whatsoever – I forgive you. Let the pieces fall where they may, but I will choose to forgive you anyway.
