This is not going to be a short blog because God has been doing a lot this past week. It’s my prayer that God will use my fingers to type and explain what He did in the best way possible.
Last year before school started I applied for the World Race and I signed a covenant. A covenant which covered many aspects of life, including relationships. I made the decision to agree to not get into a relationship from the time I applied to when I returned from the race.
I broke this promise because on December 2nd 2016 Christian, the most dedicated, wise, trustworthy, intentional, loving, and God fearing man, asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes! Our relationship has been the best adventure I have ever been on. We have created incredible memories together, we have decided to love each other and we have encouraged one another to chase after our Heavenly Father.
One of the first nights in Albania I felt overwhelmed with guilt because I broke a covenant, which meant I was not a woman of integrity. And I desire to be a woman of integrity to everyone, especially to my future husband. So I prayed a dangerous prayer, I asked God to make it clear to me what I needed to do regarding the covenant and my relationship with Christian.
The next day my squad leader asked to talk to me in private. In the most loving, caring way she asked me to end my relationship with Christian because as a Christian and team leader it was my duty to obey covenants I agreed to.
I sobbed and sobbed. This was not what I wanted God’s answer to be, it was the complete opposite.
Before I went to a location with wifi to talk with Christian, I communicated to my team what just happened and what I was going to do. They prayed over me and Christian. It was the most beautiful prayer. And when I stepped outside to start walking to wifi I looked towards the mountains. They had been hard to see ever since we got to Albania, but they were clear. Tears ran down my face. I didn’t want this to be the clarity I was looking for. I wanted the complete opposite.
During the time leading up to the conversation with Christian, I prayed for strength, words, and a sign. And God answered my prayers. I heard Jeremiah 11. I had never heard something so clearly in my mind before. At first I wasn’t going to open up to the passage because I thought I was just thinking of random things to get my mind off of what I was going to say to Christian. But the day before I learned God blesses everyone with divine thoughts, so I turned to the scripture. My body went limp when I read the title- Judah’s Broken Covenant. After reading the first five verses, I knew God was giving me another sign, like the mountains, that this was His will. God calls me to obey covenants and when I obey covenants, blessings come.
I was terrified to FaceTime Christian. I didn’t want to hurt him. So when he answered, I cried. Being the incredible man he is, Christian prayed. This lifted my spirit and broke my heart at the same time.
As I explained everything I could hardly look at him because I didn’t want to see pain, hurt, sadness, or anger in his eyes. But when I did look at him I didn’t see any of those, all I saw was love and grace.
It was the hardest but most amazing conversation I have had with Christian.
It was hard because I had to share with him that I made the decision to obey the Squad covenant, listen to the Lord, and end our relationship. It was hard because I couldn’t explain to him or myself why this was God’s plan. It was hard because we had to discuss and promise to change how we thought about each other, when we would talk to each other, and how we communicated with each other.
It was amazing because God was so evident. It was amazing to hear Christian read 1 Corinthians 7:35 because during my morning devotion time, before any of this happened, I read 1 Corinthians 7 and I underlined verse 35. It was amazing because even though this situation is painful, we were still able to smile and laugh together because God is always good.
To clarify what I just wrote- I made the decision to end my relationship with Christian. It did not end because we don’t love each other or want a future together. It ended because I want to be a woman of integrity and to chase the Lord with all my being. You can say that we “broke up” or are “taking a break”, but the way I like to phrase and look at it is- we are committing to, individually, have undivided devotion to the Lord. Also known as separate honeymoons with Jesus.
Ending our relationship does not mean I have or will stop loving Christian. It is the complete opposite. I love Christian more because I am dedicating my time on the Race to learn, embrace, and share God’s love (1 John 4).
To read and hear Christian’s incredible perspective, check out his Facebook- Christian Cantu.
Please pray for Christian and for me because this is hard, confusing, but good. Pray for patience, grace, and obedience. Thank you.
I surrender all to You.
