When I first found out about this trip, I was really excited about what God was going to reveal in and to me, I was excited for growth. I was ready for change. I wasn’t satisfied with my own status quo. BUT (as Mrs. Westby always said…take note the author has flipped the script and although he/she has been leading you down a path that you are following, pay attention because things are about to get a little different) before I was about to leave the only thing people were saying to me was “oh, Brittany, you are going to change SO much” or “God is really going to change you this year” and frankly, I started to get a little upset. I had a little bit of a blow-up at Launch in front of my team and I said, “I am so sick of people telling me that this year is going to change me, God obviously called me as I am RIGHT NOW to do something with my life.” It was ironic that the thing that I wanted most in my life, to be broken by this year, to be changed, to be completely wrecked by what I see…I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t willing to hear other people tell me that it was going to happen, PRIDE baby…that’s really what it comes down to. What has been my struggle for my entire life, what is God continually revealing to me…my PRIDE and the way in which it comes in between myself and him. I don’t know if anyone else is in the same boat, but I think that is the way in which God is growing me the most. I have always known that pride was my downfall, but it’s easy to just say…yeah I am self-confident, or I don’t suffer from low self-esteem, or like in Anchorman…I’m kind of a big deal. But really though, it comes down to I felt sufficient. I felt adequate, I didn’t think that I needed help, or that I needed to be told what I already knew. Since I reached the ripe old age of 12 my quick go-to phrase has always been “I know…” meaning that whatever advice you are offering…better off to just save your breath, I have heard it before and simply just chosen not to employ it. This has been a lot of the growing and changing that I have been doing these past 3 months. It is hard not to be the young and idealistic American tourist who just wants to come in a fix everything…especially when you see a way in which things could be done better. And a big struggle has been, am I trying to fix this for myself, to prove that I am right, or am I genuinely helping the ministry in my advice or different approach? One of the things that my team continues to tease me about was that at our first “make a memory” day I said to them…”not to brag or anything, but I’m probably the funniest person you’ve ever met” irony of that statement was that absolutely no one laughed or said anything for like 3 seconds…there may have actually been crickets. I just expected an awkward laugh…perhaps some appreciation, but not silence. Ha, but God is continuing to reveal that although humor is a large part of who I am, and that isn’t something that he has asked me to give up, there is simply more depth that few have seen that God wants me to reveal more of – there is strength and wisdom as well as joy.
For all of those who said “you are going to change so much” or whatever variation…thanks, and sorry if I didn’t appreciate it for what it was. I am appreciative of the LIFE you spoke over my life, the prophesy that is, was, and continues to be. At the time it felt like you were being redundant, acknowledging something I already knew, or even calling out what needed to happen in my life. But now, three months into the journey, I appreciate the truths spoken over my life before I left home.
