It’s hard to think of sleeping in my own bed, accessibility to clean drinking water and a warm shower, everyone around me speaking English, as shocking…but for me it is, it has been.
Now some of you might be thinking well, this is because a month after you returned home from the World Race, your family picked up and moved. To a new house, a new neighborhood…a new country. But that’s not so much it. For me, being in constant flux is normal. For me, setting up a room and thinking of being there for longer than 30 days, that’s NOT normal…it’s overwhelming.
Perhaps I am simply an undiagnosed case of ADD…I can’t sit still, I’m not able to focus on anything realistic, and yet I’m not really doing anything productive, I can’t finish projects. I can’t even fathom real life things. The idea of getting a cell phone or a credit card to build up a line of credit…it freaks me out. I’m convinced I don’t need either of those things. I don’t know what I’m doing now, let alone what I am going to do next. So why should credit matter?
I know that people ask their questions with good intentions, and just to get a feel for where I’m at. But I don’t know. I can’t put it into words. Ok, so reading all of these maybe I can, but maybe I just don’t like the words that come to mind.
Scary. I’m scared. I’m afraid that this life I struggle against will at one point become normal. That one day, I’ll be married with 2.2 kids, a dog, 2 SUVs and a white picket fence. Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with this life…I just don’t want it. I fear I’ll just get a job because that’s what is expected of me. That I’ll be okay buying a box of cereal for $5-7 because that’s what they are asking for it. That I’ll do things because as a 23 yr old…it’s weird to not do these things.
Apathy. I’m not numb, not entirely. Sometimes just a little indifferent to things I don’t deem as important. I just find that I don’t care about a lot of things. In some ways this has been a good thing. I can avoid the “breakdown” that everyone is expecting. Sure, I’ve cried a time or two…but I find myself not as interested, not as involved.
Irritation. I’m just fed up. I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be opposed to taking my tent, sleeping pad, sleeping bag, mess kit, Swiss army knife and some water in the woods or a nearby provincial park and just being by myself for a while. But that’s not realistic. I suppose I could do that for a bit and spend sometime praying without distractions…but it ties back into fear…what if I don’t want to come back. What if I crazytown “Into the Wild” this stuff…I just disappear. That’s insane, I can’t come back from 11 months gone and be back for a month and a half and then just walk out. Unacceptable. Ridiculous. Irritating.
Unimpressive. I’ve started to feel as though all that I offer are a few tales about how I spent my last year. And depending on who I’m talking to, I can discuss different levels of what the year actually looked like. I don’t want to be known as an adventurer. I’m not. I don’t want to be thought of as brave, or daring, or bold. I’m not really any of those things, well I’d say maybe a little bit of the last one. 😉 But what brought be on this trip, what led me around the world was a belief that God knows me and knows what he plans for me. That he has a will for my life, and that that will and plan will ultimately bring HIM the glory.
I want to be unimpressive. I don’t want the story to be about me or what I did, because I didn’t do anything. I shouldn’t be scared or indifferent or irritated…but I can be…because the way God is lighting my path is a little like walking in the woods with a headlamp. I’m really only seeing a little bit in front of me…it’s like the batteries are dying…but the light is still there. Has always been there.
I trust God. I trust that God is enough. I have seen God’s faithfulness. I have witnessed it firsthand. I know His love. I know His grace. I know His sacrifice. I know that He is calling me to a greater faithfulness, to trust Him more. And as I learned in my Bible study Monday night, God is calling me to be a Daniel in my modern Babylon. To look different, to be different from a culture of overindulgence and idolatry. I want to be set apart by my desire to follow Christ in a way that passionately reflects a love of God and others. That I no longer conform to the patterns of this world, but instead am transformed by the renewing of my mind, that I might be able to test and approve of what God’s will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2). In fact, I want to live out all of Romans 12…but one thing at a time.
It feels good to just get this all out. And now I don’t really want to post it, ugh vulnerability…but that was a lesson learned month 1 and since I don’t want to have to relearn it…I appreciate your prayers in regard to trusting God with what plans He has for my life, and how to bring Him the most glory. Thank you.
