So this past month, I
have been attacked by the spirit of fear. This has been a major issue that has
resulted in many late night feedback sessions with my team (the one last night
lasted till 2 am) and TONS of tears. A lot of the time I have felt like the weak
kid on my team because I’m the one who always has the problem, is always
crying, or always overcoming something. The past two months of my life has been
a serious rollercoaster of emotions and change. It’s hard sometimes to even
think back to where I have come from but it’s also a good thing to look how
much God has changed me!
Some things I have
been really struggling with this past month are support raising in general.
Letting go and giving it to God has been a major part of that as well. Just
when I think I give everything to god, I’m reminded that I could give more…
It’s been a really hard process for me. It’s been a road full of tears, worry,
sadness, failure, letting go, dying to myself, and realizing that there is
NOTHING I can do and only GOD can accomplish this whole money thing. I’m sick
of fighting this battle on my own. I honestly feel okay with whatever God has
in store for me. It would be super hard to leave my world race family because
they have become my entire support group and teach me new things every single
day… I’m worried that if I go home before I’m ready, I will end up selling out
and throwing away everything I have learned. That terrifies me! But I’m not
stressing over it anymore. I’m giving this huge burden to god so I can live in
the moment.
It seems like
recently I have been so torn down by finances that I haven’t been able to
rejoice in the things that God has shown me and given me these past two months.
Fact is, I will be attacked hardcore when I go back home (No matter if that’s
at the end of Sep or at the end of 11 months in June)… We have been doing some
crazy amazing things for God and Satan will try and break me down as best as he
knows how. By noticing this ahead of time, I’m not letting him win in that. I’m
ready to fight. Fact is, I will never fit in where I used to because that
season is over. I can’t have it back and I might as well start rejoicing in
this season because HELLO IT’S AMAZING! I’m not sure how my conversations will
honestly go with my friends when I get back or what we will have in common now
but I’m happy that God has blessed me in this season that I’m in and I trust
him to guide my steps. But I do know it will be hard to care about things like
shoes, dresses (that are WAY too expensive), clothes, boys, and nails now when
I have seen what I have seen… And no matter how much I talk about it, I can
never truly explain what I have seen or been thru that my friends back home
have NO IDEA ABOUT… So, here are some things I’m rejoicing in about the past 2
months!!!
I’ve been on a scary
bus ride while trying to cross the DR/ Hatian border the first time when we
were late and they shouldn’t have let us thru, but by the grace of God, they
did.
As soon as we got to
our mission site, I couldn’t wait to play with the naked hatian babies that
lived in tent houses made of sticks, and as I smiled out the window, a little
boy walked up to our bus, asked me my name, and we started playing ball… His
name was Jenison and I fell in love with him to the point where I even wrote a
song about him. Silly “Go kid” =)
I have survived
tropical storms, my tent flooding, getting attacked by bugs and ANTS, and not
caring.
I realized that rain
was just another way to get clean and it really makes worship an amazing
experience!
I got blessed and
cussed out by a voodoo priest. (CRAZY)
I witnessed a
protest, a funeral, and a wedding in Haiti.
I got to swim in the
ocean every day at our house in Haiti most of the time with my work clothes
still on… And then there was this one time… well… never mind. (Some things I
will just keep to myself) ;p
I swam one night with
a sea of jelly fish and didn’t get stung… It was also storming and beautiful. I
felt like I was in avatar because when I moved, the water would light up.
I got to pray for a
100 year old woman….Pretty awesome experience.
Shooting stars,
sunsets, and rainbows became my lullaby to fall asleep to every night in Haiti.
I RAN UP A MOUNTAIN
that at first made me puke trying to even walk up it. WOOHOO!!!
I met an amazing girl
named Kaiko who had rescued a lady left by her group in the Port Au Prince
Airport.
I got to help build
HOMES! Shelters for people who are now living in them, sharing them with their
families, and break bread there… Pretty awesome!
I prayed for a demon
possessed woman.
I preached in a
church in the DR.
I have enjoyed a beer
and a cigar on the roof of a Dominican house.
I GOT DREADS!
I’ve been challenged
every day I’ve been on the race… And the outcome has always been VICTORY!
I’ve felt God’s
presence all around me from the time I wake up till the time I wake up again…
I now know what a TAP
TAP is.
I’ve eaten goat
balls, salami fushia burgers, the best milk and ice cream in the world, pizza
made with ketchup, and TONS of rice and beans.
I’ve realized I have
a weak stomach.
I spoke in tongues
the first time.
And I’ve had the time
of my life diving into the word of God like never before. I can even quote
scripture now! CRAZY! =)
Anyway, please pray
that God would give me peace on everything else and just let me focus on TODAY
because that’s honestly all I can handle right now. PS, if you read this…
COMMENT IT! Even just sign your name! I’m always excited by people reading my
blogs. =) so don’t be shy!
One Love.
