Something has changed within me.
Something is NOT the same.
I’m through with playing by the rules of SOMEONE ELSE’S game.
Too late for second guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It’s time to trust my instincts…
Close my eyes and LEAP!!!
It’s time to try DEFYING GRAVITY!
So this is one of my all time favorite songs from one of my favorite shows “WICKED”… But as I was on the Aer Lingus flight from the US to Dublin, Ireland I heard it… heard it again… and again… and again… I then cried through half the flight. Those words spoke to me like never before… Maybe it was because I was on a plane and actually defying gravity itself… or possibly it was that it hit a chord inside me that couldn’t have been touched before.
If you haven’t seen the show it’s about what happened before the wizard of Oz. It’s about the relationship between Galinda the good witch and Elphaba the wicked witch in college. It’s about putting aside their differences and coming together and being best friends. It’s actually a beautiful story but this song is sung after the girls go see the wizard and are disappointed…. Elphaba comes into her own during this song and it’s all about self discovery. It’s about realizing what you thought you wanted isn’t at all what you want or need…
It’s EXACTLY where I am in my life right now. Before, I thought I had it all figured out and I had worked my entire life to go a certain direction and here I am… Doing the opposite of that when I almost had everything I ever thought I wanted. At first I was a little bitter towards God for calling me on this trip. It made no sense and I got a ton of weird looks for following through with it. This whole time in the back of my mind there has been a “WHY GOD WHY?!?!” question in the back of my head. I haven’t meant to have this attitude but it’s just happened. I’ve been so confused. I’ve been fighting the change of life plans this whole time… But for some reason, they still have happened. I think that’s why they put you on a team and make you stay together 24/7. My team doesn’t let me get away with ANYTHING! The fight me back when I try to fight changes… And fact is, there are more of them then there are of me.
So anytime those voices would come into my head, they would kick them out. It hasn’t been a fun or easy process at all. I think it could have been much easier if I would have just given in a lot easier. (If you’re thinking about doing the race… just don’t fight it) It’s easier… So here I am, theatre loving, alto belting, performance oriented little southern girl in the big big world hiking, puking, not showering for days, freezing, burning up, helping others, putting everyone above myself, and abandoning everything I have ever known to be real and true back home… It’s rough.
For a while, I tried to blame it on not fitting in with my team. That was false. I was putting them all in a box and thinking they were a certain way… But fact is, they are constantly changing every day just like I am every day. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again… you change more in one day on the race then you do in one month back home.
You man up and put your crap behind you pretty fast as you hold that orphan who was once on their death bed, get your hair brushed by village kids that just want to love somebody and to be loved and noticed by others, meet a woman who has lived 109 years and still gets excited over eating candy, meet a little boy that loves to run as hard and fast as he can into your arms because he doesn’t have a mother.
You change really fast. You forget things that once were important to you… and you move forward… Which it’s honestly scary to fully let go because there is always this little voice in your head that says, “But what about when you get home?” Fact is, that voice can officially kiss my ass… i’m fighting fire with fire. It’s nothing but the demons of fear and rejection. So I plan on scaring off the fear and rejecting the rejection from now on! TAKE THAT VOICES!
I honestly don’t care anymore about what others think. It’s been a hard road but here I am! I can FINELY hear God’s voice loud and clear! I finely realize it’s more then about the race… It’s about God. I am signing my life over to this mentality and lifestyle no matter where I end up.
Right now, things are a bit weird since I’m out of ministry and support raising this month. If my account doesn’t get up to $8,000 by the end of this month then I’m going to be sent back home. It’s a weird feeling being alone in an office and reflecting on everything you have learned in the past 3 months. Fact is I haven’t been alone in 3 months… So this is super strange for me right now. But no amount of fear about my support account or money is going to stop me from my new purpose! I finely hear the calling for my life and I’m not letting go of it! And it has nothing to do with acting, a single church, or the world race. It has no time limits… I’m not restricting God to a box anymore.
So for now, I think I’ll try defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity.
And you won’t bring me down…
(This is the part where I belt it out and learn to truly fly)
Oh yeah, it feels good to just let go and let God. I’m finely jumping in without any limits!
I’m defying gravity!
Please continue to keep my support account in your prayers. You can donate by clicking on the “support me” button on the left hand side.
