Not only had I become static, I had become a robotic version of myself, doing everything well, but missing a vital component: living. I wasn’t actually living, I wasn’t actually being who I was created to be, I was doing and doing it quite well on the outside. My graduate papers were near perfect, my church attendance was impeccable, my community service list was completed with gusto, my house was clean, my students were well taken care of, and on and on. I was consistently faithful. I was always helpful. I never said no when someone needed me for anything.
But I was hollow. I was a shell of who God created me to be. I wasn’t really living well. I wasn’t really loving well. I was simply doing well.
I thrived on compliments like, “you could handle anything,” “how do you do it all?” and “I wish I could give my time like you do.” My intentions were in the right place, really they were. My heart simply wanted to help others, love well, and live pointing people to Jesus. But I was missing something.
I’ve learned a valuable lesson this year: Not only can I not save everyone, I was never meant to. I don’t have to do anything for God to be proud of me. I don’t even have to do anything for the people around me to love me. I simply need to be the person God created me to be. When I am being, I am living, and I am bringing God glory, which ultimately is why we are here on this earth.
Last month (Thailand) was exhausting. Exhausting spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, yet I’ve never felt more alive. I’ve never known with all my heart that I was supposed to be somewhere. Sure, I was doing a lot, I was on the go constantly. Simply being does not mean doing nothing or being lazy.
So why was this exhaustion different than exhaustion I’ve felt in the past? Why didn’t I feel as hollow when I poured myself out completely this time?
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest.”
Matthew 11:28
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness…For when I am weak then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
Because instead of doing all of this for Jesus, I did it with Jesus.
This month I learned the true difference between letting Jesus give me strength and letting Him be my strength. I learned how to let Him be my rest instead of just give me rest. Every decision that was made this month was Spirit-led, which means that sometimes I had to say no. But instead of feeling guilty for not doing everything, I learned to be where God called me to be. I not only learned to live in the Spirit, but to walk in the Spirit and I’m learning to work out its implications in every detail of my life.
“Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.”
Galatians 5:25
This is how I was meant to live. This is how I was meant to love. This is who I was meant to be.
