Kenya has been challenging for me. I frequently find myself
on the verge of an anxiety attack. I experience this sense of panic mostly when
I start thinking about what the next two and a half months are going to look
like. Speaking. Speaking in front of large groups of people. Constantly
expected to have a word to share- a testimony of my life and/or a message. I
knew this was what Africa would be like, but I think I brushed it aside,
determined to deal with it when the time came.
One night we were on the way home from ministry; we had been
visiting a school, sharing testimonies and a message. I didn’t even have to
speak. But the whole ride home this overwhelming feeling of “What am I doing??
WHAT AM I DOING??� was weighing on my heart. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to
do this. I can’t do this for three more months. Get me home.� It was the first
time I had actually wanted to be at home. I collapsed onto my pallet on the
floor (love you Allie Ross) as soon as we got back and proceeded to have a
serious breakdown… crying in panic and yelling at God for what he had gotten me
into. If you know me at all, you know I HATE speaking in front of people. Any
time I had to give a speech in college, bouts of pain in my stomach would
nearly paralyze me and always resulted in lots of time in the bathroom. Now I
find myself in Kenya, almost having to do this daily. In the midst of my
tantrum, I was arguing with God about why he would call me to a ministry for
THREE MONTHS that I absolutely hate and feel like I have zero gifting for. My
teammate Brittany walked in on my hysteria, so I filled her in on my internal
battle. Being the incredible woman of God that she is, Brittany prayed for me.
She asked God to give me peace about where he has me and she also asked him to
give me ministry that stirs up my passion and speaks to my heart.
The next day, that prayer was answered. (Side note: I don’t
know that I’ve ever had such a clear and quick answer to prayer. Thank you
Lord). We had the opportunity to visit Brittney’s Home of Grace, an orphanage
just up the road from Isibania. Brittney’s Home is part of an organization
called Kenya Relief. It was started by a couple from the US, who had a daughter
(Brittney) who passed away in 2001. After her death, Steve and Greta discovered
that their daughter had been sponsoring a child in Kenya. They went to visit
and found that Kenya has huge needs in their orphan population and in the realm
of health care. In 2002 Kenya Relief was born, beginning with Blase Medical
clinic and continuing in 2004 with Brittney’s Home of Grace. Brittney’s is
currently home to 117 children (some of which stay at boarding schools). It has
a library, a church, a dairy, chicken, goat, and bee farm, and they are in the
process of building a primary school on the grounds. Every child receives
healthy meals, medical care, and counseling. Their goal is for the orphanage to
become self-sustaining.
The entire time we were touring the place, my heart was
filled, I mean FILLED with joy and passion. Dreams and plans were flooding my
mind, and that’s something that hasn’t happened in years. Who knows if those
dreams will ever see fruition, but I know that on that day, God restored a fire
in me to do big things. (I’m listening to River of Dreams by Billy Joel as I
write this… love you Daddy!)
So yes I still have to speak in front of people… ALL THE
TIME. I even preached the main sermon at church the other day. I still occasionally
have that anxiety/panic, but the more I do it, the more I realize that when I
am weak and incapable is when God really has to work through me. And he does.
Yesterday as I was about to speak to over a hundred high school girls,
and I could hardly sit still. I was SO EXCITED to share with them, to tell them
about God’s goodness and his love for them. I know it’s not me speaking though…
there’s no way I would have that passion and excitement on my own.
I love my life.
Oh yeah, about the camel…
This is the best picture I have for now. But it definitely stood up AND GALLOPED for us.
