Jeez, I’m terrible at this blog thing. I so badly want to
communicate everything that has been going on in my life, but it’s so hard to
put it into words. Yes, I think that sounds like a cop out but I’ll work on it?
For now here’s a little peek into the whirlwind of my mind… enjoy this
emotional rollercoaster of a journal entry:
Wow, I’m thinking about so much right now. I’m thinking
about how in less than 24 hours I will have a whole new team. I’m thinking
about how in four days I will be in Africa. I’m thinking about how I know a lot
about God but don’t really know God. I’m thinking about how I’ve based my
salvation on what I’m able to do for God, and I’ve even based others’ salvation
on what they do. I’m thinking that I’m scared of the mess and vulnerability
that comes with freedom, and I’m wondering why I’m scared of it. I’m wondering
how to even identify the filter that has been developed in me. I’m thinking all
I want is truth. I’m wondering if that’s really my heart or if it’s just a
defense mechanism- me pushing back what’s uncomfortable and making a
self-righteous statement. I’m wondering why my stomach hurts and if I’m going
to poop my pants in Africa like so many world racers say you will. I’m
wondering if my new team will laugh or be repulsed by me. I’m thinking I can’t
believe how the Lord has spoken to me through people over the last few days. I’m
wondering when I stopped thinking all these AIM people were crazy. I’m
wondering if my friends and family think I’ve lost my mind. I’m wondering why
God created humanity. I’m thinking I don’t know how to love God without doing
but just by being. I’m thinking I don’t really know how to just stop and let
God love me. I’m thinking I want to, I want it. I’m wondering how many people I
need to ask forgiveness of for making them feel they need to earn love from
God. I’m wondering how to just be free. I’m wondering why I don’t just take the
step, why I don’t just use the key to unlock this cage I seem to have put myself
in. I’m thinking I’m ready to dance, I’m ready to speak, I’m ready to BE
instead of DO. I’m thinking Sigur Ros may or may not have triggered this
emotional rambling.
Needless to say, the Lord is doing a lot of good things in
me. He’s giving me revelations on so many things that hold me back and so many
things that he desires for me. I keep getting called out by my teammates,
squadmates, leaders, and people who don’t even know me. They say I have this
reservoir, this magnificent thing that the Lord has put inside me and that it’s
time for it to come out. I feel like I’m on the verge of something ridiculous
and amazing and crazy… not something that I’m going to do but someone I’m going
to be. I think I’m finally ready. I think my heart is finally saying “YES YES
YES!� instead of shying away in fear of looking crazy or not being liked.
Shoot, if it brings me closer to the Lord, then bring on the crazy.
The time is now.
