I’m currently hiding out in the very corner of my favorite little coffee shop here in town attempting to refuel myself from the lack of caffeine and trying to process through everything that happened the past 10 days. I don’t know if any combination of words can adequately describe my world race training camp experience. But I can summarize it into one phrase: I am His beloved.
I’ve been avoiding the call of the race since 2012. Sending all my friends and loved ones off while secretly wishing I could work up the courage to be them. So when the time came for me to experience world race training camp for myself I thought I knew what to expect. I’ve done a trip with AIM before. I have a ton of friends who’ve done the race. Should be easy enough right?
So on August 10th at 5:30 in the morning my very own journey finally began, bags packed and eagerly awaiting to finally meet the people who have been blowing up my phone since late January. As I took a moment to just stop and watch my new community set up their tents (some of us for the first time) I couldn’t help but be in awe. The reality of what I signed up for finally began to sink in.
Over the course of the past 10 days I hiked 3 miles with a 30lb pack in 43 minutes (I know I’m slow okay..), I took only 3 bucket showers (I know I’m gross too), I got up to work out at 7 in the morning with my squad, I ate food from all over the world (bugs included), I went through simulation after simulation of past world race scenarios, I slept in a tent more times than I wanted to if we’re being completely honest, I wrote my very first sermon, I worshiped with 300 people from all over the continent who have the same heart and desire as myself, I witnessed a physical healing over one girls arm after my squad prayed over her, and I sat through session after session after session of people telling me what I was getting myself into.
Everything was going great until I heard one phrase:
“You can’t be in a relationship with something that’s always condemning you.”
All of the sudden I had to “go to the bathroom” because I literally could not contain my tears. That day was rough for me. The only thing I wanted was to be alone. And if you know anything about the race, you know that you pretty much sacrifice all your alone time for the next year. I went to my tent and sobbed trying to understand why I couldn’t get that phrase out of my head.
I’m no psychologist, but I think the way we perceive God is how we’ll relate to Him. And I was beginning to realize that I’ve been living my life trying to prove that I was competent enough, that I was worthy enough, that I’m this so called “chosen” daughter I kept telling everyone I was. I absolutely believed in grace (goodness I have it tattooed on me) but my eyes we’re being opened to the fact that I didn’t really believe His grace was sufficient.
I read through Romans 8 over and over again trying to get it through my thick and stubborn head – “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”
Friends…If God does not condemn you, then who are you to withhold grace and bring condemnation on yourself.
I’ve wasted so much time and energy these past few years of my life trying to figure out who I am and how I can make myself competent enough for the things I want to do for God. I wasted so much time trying to figure out who I am that I’ve forgotten whose I am.
Training camp for me wasn’t about getting my teams, meeting my squad or even attempting to practice packing my life in a backpack. Training camp for me was me making a decision that I’m going to stop listening to everyone else and start listening to my Father. Training camp was me letting go of the unrealistic expectations I’ve placed on my own life and finally realizing that Christians or missionaries or difference makers don’t have to be anything than who they already are because we’re already made in His image. It was me finally believing that His grace really is sufficient. It was about me understanding that I am His beloved and that there’s nothing I can ever do that will change that. And that all He’s ever wanted from me was everything I already am. Everything He already made me to be.
If you’ve read any of my other squadmates blogs, you’ve seen that we’ve all adopted the idea of abandoning the thought of a “missions trip” and learning to live on mission.
My mission is simple: I want to help take people to new depths with Jesus. And I don’t have to be half way around the world to do it. It starts here and now.
Here’s to being set free.
MEET TEAM FERWEH:
These 6 humans are the love humans I get to do ministry with over the first few months of my race. So let me introduce you to things I’ve witnessed!!!
From left to right:
Jeff is Bold. He brings such truth and confidence every time he speaks.
David (tall guy in the back) is so out of the box but I love it. His thinking is unlike anyone else I’ve ever met. I can’t wait to learn more from him.
Amy is kind and wise. When she speaks people listen. She brings a soft touch that all of us really need.
Sequoi is the actual definition of fun. There is not a moment with her that you aren’t laughing. But she also brings so much power to our team.
Alex is not afraid.
And lastly there’s Sam. Sam has the most gentle spirit I’ve met in a man. He’s our team leader and our team cheerleader.
Lastly meet N squad:
These are the 55 lovely humans on my squad. We’re all heading to India – and we’re bring a whole lot of Jesus with us.
