Do you ever feel like everything in your life is just out of reach?
I seem to be in the constant place of always having things in my life just out of my reach. It’s almost like I’m a dog chasing my tail. Or (maybe a little more relatable) like I’m a kid again who’s not quite tall enough to ride the roller coaster. Then you get the joys of sitting back and watching all your friends go ride the ride and then listen to them talk about how great it was for the next hour. Remember that feeling? Well that’s pretty much how I feel…All. The. Time.
I’m 23 years old. I’ve done the college thing. I’ve done the get out of your hometown thing. I’ve done the dating someone you plan on marrying thing. I’ve done pretty much all the “things” that people my age are supposed to be doing. I listen to people in my life talk about how great doing all these “things” have been for them and I can’t help but compare why my life hasn’t quite worked out like it’s apparently supposed to. Or why chasing those things hasn’t given me the satisfaction that it’s apparently supposed too. For the past 3 years it’s felt like I’m living in perpetual state of feeling like the thing I’m pursuing is just not quite for me.
I get a pretty common question from people when I tell them I’m leaving my life behind for a year to serve the Father.
“But why? Why don’t you just get a real job and help people here?”
Raw moment here:
Don’t confuse what I am about to say for my excitement about doing this.
But there are many days where I don’t really want to do the world race.
I imagine how I feel is pretty similar to how Moses felt when The Lord spoke to him while he was at the burning bush.
But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11
Later Moses argues with God again…
“What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?” Exodus 4:1
Moses begged and gave the Father pretty much every excuse he could to get out of his calling. But The Lord said to him…“Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11
I love reading this story because I feel like I have someone who relates to how I feel a lot of the time: inadequate, unprepared, unworthy and scared.
I want to want a “normal” life (whatever that really even means). I wanted to want a 9-5 job that could leave my financially comfortable for the rest of my life. I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. I wanted all of these things and so much more because that’s what people my age are supposed to be wanting. (These are all good things by the way…)
I often find myself arguing with the Father and asking Him “Why me? I am no where near the most knowledgeable or gifted.” I often find myself asking Him the same thing Moses asked…”Please send someone else.” But I don’t think I will ever be truly satisfied with my life until I surrender it. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy chasing after those things because I’m not chasing after the one thing that brings the ultimate satisfaction: the Father.
So maybe everything has felt just out reach because it’s supposed to be. Maybe I’ve been living in this space of not quite because the Father’s ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. Maybe he’s been trying to tell me all along that He’s preparing me for something so much better than I could ever dream of.
I have no idea how I’m going to get to October and I’m sure I’ll have a hundred more breakdowns from now to then. I have no idea how $16,000 is going to come my way because I don’t even know that many people. I have no idea how I’m going to live out of a backpack for a freaking year because let’s be honest here, who voluntarily wants to wear the same things over and over again.
I’m probably the most inadequate person for this calling. And I could come up with a million reasons not to go through with the race.
But here’s what I do know friends: I know the Father loves me. I know he’s called me to surrender my desire for a normal life. I know that He’s asked me to take a risk and leave it all behind. I know the He’s given me a heart to love and serve the people in this world who’ve felt a little like me: unloved, lost and broken. I know I can’t shake this feeling that nothing else has satisfied the deepest desires of my heart. And based on what the Lord did through someone as inadequate as Moses, I know that He will teach you everything you need to know as soon as you choose to live in obedience.
So there’s only one thing left to do…Just obey.
Here’s to a life of obedience and maybe one day finding my place in this world.
