Welp, this is my last Monday in Texas for a year. A year with out driving down the road seeing cowboys herding cows, getting up & milking the cows, seeing dust storms and tumble weeds every day, wearing my spurs and boots or taking my horse to the store. Those who live here know what I am talking about?! Right?! It’s Texas, we do it the Texan way y’all!
However, thats not me, call me out of place or what not. Why you think I am leaving the great state?! haha I am kidding but for real, these are the last days with my friends and family, driving my own car and getting to have closet full of clothes to choose from. My heart does a summersault and my stomach drops like a I just went down the first hill of the Titan at Six Flags when I think about it. Just a little ole’ home town girl from a small black top road, hillbilly folk, everyone knows you small town in Texas. But I am leaving Texas, about to jump off a cliff into the great wonders of the world. Connected to my feet, head first into an experience that will make my blood rush to my head as a free fall into the unknown. Not sure if something is going to catch me or not almost reaching the earth, butterflies, tummy turning rushes. BOOM, the cord catches me and pulls me upward. Whip lash at times for sure and a force pulling me to sit up right again and all of a sudden I feel an ounce of flying freely with out any pull around my ankles, “FREEDOM”, then I free fall again almost reaching the earth. All of a sudden the SAME thing happens again. Before reaching the earth the bungee cord pulls me back up, hopefully this time next year the bungee cord pulls me back up to the top. After a couple of jerks and free falls, back to Texas is where I first started and where I find myself. I pray I land exactly where God wants me. But first I must let you all in on a little secret!
7 days, yup 7 days left here in TEXAS before I jump off the platform with a bungee cord tide around my feet. Yes, thats the secret and shhh… don’t tell anyone. Keep reading and you’ll understand why.
Each time I see someone they ask a “simple” question, I mean every single person asks this question. Which is completely fine. I’d ask that question too if I were them! I haven’t met someone who has just dropped everything and plans on leaving the country for the next year, have you!? So, I think we all have a lot of questions but this particular one just seems to sum all of them up. So, you all ask the “Simple” question.
“ARE YOU READY?!”
These are my thoughts but NOT how I answer at the moment the question is asked.
Eeek, I am just a day by day type of gal and I don’t really think about it too much. “Brittani, why work yourself up and get all emotional. Its HAPPENING and I am too joyful to FINALLY be on this journey!”. If I did cry, if a little trickle did fall, each tear would be full of sadness for my mom and dad because I am their little girl and then excitement for God and what He will be doing in me and through me.
Me, I am not a “Good-Bye” or hug it out until we both feel emotion. I am more of a spy sneaking out the back, crawling under and over the red laser beams shooting across the room, wall to wall at every angle. Finally, to reach the door without any alarms going off and then sending a message saying, “I have completed the mission, see you in a year” type of gal. Which might be selfish, but I see it as not having the entire room blowup! You know what I mean?! So, shhhh…. don’t tell anyone that I only have 7 days left.
and BTW, how can you ever know if you are READY?! That was the question right?Guaranteed, i’ll definitely leave something behind and I will definitely not know what I am REALLY getting myself into until about month 3 I think. The best way I can explain the feeling I have right now is by taking you to when you may have vistited a church for the first time? The feelings you have and self talks you have pretty much take your anxieties onto another level! Maybe you my friend aren’t lucky enough to have those thoughts or feelings… lucky dog! Well, I’ll began to let you inside my little mind and maybe yours to of what it may feel like when you walk into a new place.
Here’s to walking into a new church, self talk 101 with Brittani Toole.
My self thoughts- “Walk confidently, shoot this gravel is hard to walk on, is there a greeter watching my walk?!” “Wait, is this the right door?! Shoot, is this the front entrance?!” “what am I doing I need to turn around, wait the greeter is probably watching me. Can’t do that”
Talking- “Hi, I am Brittani!” “Yes, this is my first time thank you”
My self talk- “Do I shake their hand?! Do I hug, wait… do I greet everyone or do I just keep walking? wow, yup I am being greeted by everyone!” “Ok, do I know any of these people?” “Oh yes, the bathroom there it is. it’s to the left on the other side of that wall, I see the sign.” “Over to the right, it looks like that is where its kinda off limits, no one is over there, be sure not to walk that way” “Oh, lord people are laughing, are they laughing at me?! Stay confident, you got this, avoid that group though FOR SURE!” “Crap, did I wear the right thing?! am I TOO dressed up, TOO dressed down?! why did I wear this?! Ugh, no one else looks like this?!” “Shoot, Brittani, your standing still and look stupid and out of place” “So… does every one go in and just sit down right now? will they tell us when to go in?!” “Oh no! Where do I sit? Is this reserved for someone?! Does someone sit here EVERY Sunday” “ok, just chill out.” (Music starts)”stand or sit… ok definitely stand” “do people clap?! more importantly, if I raise my hands and worship will people look at me CRAZY?” (Music stops) “Meet and greet! what the crap.. where was that bathroom again?!” (Preaching starts) “Can I say ‘amen’?!” “oh no, I left my Bible in the car, EVERYONE has there Bible!” “Are people seeing I don’t have my Bible?! do they think I don’t love Jesus?!” “Don’t look to the left or right, stare at the preacher” “Does he see me and know I am new” “Are they going to pray over me for salvation!” “Preacher saw me, GOSH! Does he think I don’t know Jesus and make a special alter call for me because I am new!?”
You get the point?! Unrealistic but realistic thoughts. That’s what I am feeling and how I will feel when entering a places I have never been! Shoot, I felt like this at camp a few months back. I’ll be doing that for the next year. Customs are different everywhere, You greet people differently in every country, you dress differently in every country, bathrooms are even different and most importantly God isn’t everywhere!
So, again you all ask “SIMPLE” question…
“ARE YOU READY?!”
and I say to them…
“Of course I am ready! So excited and ready to be there already!”
and that really is the TRUTH! I really am ready and SUPER excited but there are also two sides to my thoughts, and that was that.
The biggest thing that I KNOW and that pretty much shuts every thoughts is…God has brought me to this place where I am in every way, spiritually, physically and mentally. He has taught me SO much in the last year and THIS is what I am suppose to be doing. I CAN NOT WAIT!!
I have been reading a lot in 2 Timothy and studying it A LOT! My devotions I do, the studying I do all lead there. I leave you with this.
2 Timothy 1:9-11
9 For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus. 10 And now he has made all of this plain to us by the appearing of Christ Jesus, our Savior. He broke the power of death and illuminated the way to life and immortality through the Good News. 11 And God chose me to be a preacher, an apostle, and a teacher of this Good News.
