(Sunset from the site I "buried" my daughter)
It’s a weird feeling when someone says “Happy Mothers Day” to you…when you have no children.
In Cambodia, I put my life on display in the hopes of encouraging people who had been what I had been through…to show them that I know what it is like to lose a child. That I know what it’s like to wake up one day…emptier than the night before when you went to bed. To know what the shame of a miscarriage can feel like…even if you know it wasn’t your fault. To wish, on days like today…that you were celebrating mothers day with the baby you lost.
I’ve learned so much about being a mother, without ever having a child. After I lost Brynn, I was worried that I wouldn’t have the capacity for loving a child as much as I would have loved her. Then, there was the fear that maybe I couldn’t have kids someday…would I be able to love a baby as much, if it were not my own?
It’s strange to think that if I could have my way…I would have Brynn in one arm, and my sweet indian baby Ruby in the other. I would be a mother of two beautiful little girls.
Which, if you know me, is ironic because I wanted all boys in life.
God knew what He was doing, sending me on this race. While losing my Brynn destroyed me…it also brought me back to the Lord. And just when the Lord had broke me of my past life, He brings Ruby to my arms…where I learned that He has given me the capacity to show HIS love to any child He places in my arms. The perfect, unfailing, unrelenting, unconditional, love of a mother.
My heart aches that I can’t be balancing a year and a half year old and a 6 month old today. That I can’t hold Brynn, and that I can’t be with my little Indian gem. I do know that I could not possibly be who I am right this second without them in my life. Even though I can’t hold them, it does not make me any less the mother the Lord has called me to be. Through the loss of one daughter, the Lord has given me a spiritual one who taught me about freedom…and forgiveness…and Christ’s love. In ways that I’ve never experienced before.
What an incredible mothers day gift to be in love with two of the most beautiful babies I could have ever asked for. My heart is completely head over heels in love with two little girls, who I never saw coming. Forever they will be a part of who I am…how I became what I am today…and who I will become in the future.
I want to speak to all the mommas out there…who don’t have the babies to “prove” your status as a mother.
To those who have lost a baby…to those who are in the process of adoption…to those who are caring for a family members child…to those who are “stepping in” as a mom to one who wasn’t there for someone else…it’s your day too. It’s okay to cry today. It’s okay to feel pain…I do. I long to hold them in my arms…my arms ache with the need. Just know that no matter where your baby is…whether in Heaven, or in India…that God is holding them close. That He cries with you. That He waits, with you. That He gave you the gift of a mothers heart for a reason! And that He does not waste His gifts! Keep your eyes on Jesus today…treasure the memory and hope of the children you’ve yet to meet. Love them…and love them with everything you have.
Happy Mothers Day…to all the mommies out there.
Love,
Ruby’s Ama // Brynna’s Mommy.
