This post is going to be very honest.
Yesterday we got the dates for training camp for our July Squads. May 18-25. I'm not going to lie…when I saw this, my initial reaction was everything BUT excitement. I feel the excitement now, to meet the people I've grown to love so much…but that's about it. Once training camp happens, the trip happens. I've gone through my excitement/obsession…my blog stalking and all nighters searching youtube and vimeo for footage from the race frontlines…and now, I sit here…preparing for one of the biggest spiritual warfare battles of my life. I am terrified. Terrified to the point that I get heart palpitations. Terrified to the point that I am pissing people off in my life because I am desperately clinging to what little time left I have to be with them. And that is just one aspect of my fear! The other, is my fundraising. Not only am I afraid to leave the people I love and care about, but I am afraid that (to be straight up blunt with it) the people I love and care about won't help me get ON the race. There, I said it. Honesty is key right? That is how I am feeling though. I know that they aren't the ones who are getting me on the race…God is. While I would love to give these concerns to the Lord, and though I try, and while I know that this is something Satan is having a field day with…this is what I feel. I know that the $15,500 isn't my own, and that God has a plan for everything…and that he can work the craziest of miracles…but friends, family…I am discouraged. I can only imagine how many people have blocked me from their home feeds on Facebook because of my relentless attempts and reminders at upcoming fundraising events…and honestly, that breaks my heart. What else is Facebook supposed to be used for if not to help with these kinds of things? Isn't it supposed to bring communities and people closer? Isn't it supposed to challenge each other to make a difference and fight for what we believe in?
I know this is something I will get over. I am trying to fill my head with happy thoughts and verses. I am trying to trust that the money will come. I end up dragging my butt back home after a 12 hour work day, tired…exhausted…tending to my sick dog…tending to my sick self…and having no time to go out and sell bracelets and organize fundraisers. I try to tell people what I am feeling…that I have never been so ecstatic for something and terrified of it at the same time. No one besides other racers can quite understand. Here is where I would normally put the redemptive part of this post…and quite honestly, this isn't what my brain is telling me to type. Maybe that is the beauty of blogging here… to get encouragement from all of you. At one point I considered just doing a shorter trip…something that wouldn't require as much funding. But then I realized that I would break a lot of hearts in my squad, including my own. And it would be a total cop out. I am going on the July Route of the World Race. I am an S Squader.
Forgive my negative post. I know it is the first in a few months. But letting these feelings out will hopefully help me move past them. I'm praying it does anyway.
