It’s a beautiful process…it starts out impossibly small, and grows into something that consumes you. Completely overtakes you. Emotionally, you are sold. You are in love, before you ever meet it. Physically, you are a slave to it…trying everything to make sure everything is ready and you’re prepared. Mentally, you prepare yourself. Fantasizing about how you’ll do…if you’ll fail…what they’ll think of you. Spiritually, most of the time, G*d takes the back burner and this little bundle takes over every other aspect of your life. Sure, you’re thankful, but that’s about it. Expectations have a way of putting G*d in a pretty little box with a big red bow…it’s later that we realize, that He never fit in that box…and that in reality, He’s been watching you the whole time. He’s been with you. And He is very involved in whether or not those expectations become a reality.
I am Expecting…a lot of things.
First off, I didn’t sign up for this race to do construction and c*urch m*nistry the whole time. There, I said it. I signed up on this race with SUCH an enormous passion to #HoldAllTheBabies. I expected myself to jump from orphanage to orphanage…scooping up little one after little one…snuggling them and listening to their giggles all day. After the third straight month of blisters and sweat pouring down my back, I realized that I was not getting what I was expecting. I was being cheated. This world race thing wasn’t holding up to it’s end of the deal. I give it $15,500, it gives me babies. Not so much so far.
Second, I didn’t sign up for this race to be socially the hardest process I have ever experienced. I expected feedback to fix everything, and that because of it, we would be happy…we would be honest…and vulnerable with each other. I would leave this race with 50 new best friends, and have 50 weddings to attend when I got back. Forever, my future children would have 50 aunts and uncles who swung by every time they were in the area, and that there would be 5 year reunions and road trips and and and…And honestly, I realized that I wasn’t getting what I was expecting. I was being cheated. This “community” thing wasn’t holding up to it’s end of the deal. I give myself and I’m vulnerable, they give me the same back. Not so much so far.
Third, I didn’t sign up for this race to be spiritually struggling with doubts, fears, and complacency seven months into this race. I expected by month seven to be SO on fire for the L*rd…more than I have in my entire life. I would be consistent with quiet time. I would get a spiritual gift that seemed weird to me. I would be almost done with reading through my whole b*ble. I would memorize scripture. I would have seen someone healed somehow. I would have prayed the prayer with someone to accept J*sus C*rist as their L*rd and S*vior. I would have certain habits that would’ve lasted more than 5 months. I wouldn’t deal with my dad getting cancer, I wouldn’t deal with not sleeping because of spiritual warfare…I wouldn’t doubt my self worth…I realized that I was not getting what I was expecting. I was being cheated. This “Spiritual Growth” thing wasn’t holding up to it’s end of the deal. I sacrifice everything, my family, my boyfriend, my dog, I give up my life…it fixes my doubts, fears, and worries. Not so much so far.
Fourth, I didn’t sign up for this race to not be a leader. I was a manager at a car dealership for crying out loud. I expected, when I signed up for the race, to be a team leader someday. After seven months on the race, I’ve seen what is effective in leading. I know what it’s like to have people “under” me. I care about people. I would be a great fit. I’ve been told since the beginning by different people on the squad that they saw me as a leader. After seven months without being approached or recognized for any amount of leadership…I realized that I’m not getting what I was expecting. That I was being cheated. That I would show my experience as a competent leader, and they would give me the title. Not so much so far.
What a fool I’ve been.
Expectations are dangerous. It’s okay to be hopeful, you better believe that your hope is in the L*rd…and not on what this world can do for you.
True, I really didn’t expect to be doing construction and c*urch/adult m*nistry on this race. I can tell you what though, it’s blessed me beyond belief. While my heart still yearns to hold a precious baby and be a “mommy” for a month…I know that the L*rd knows this about me. He knows the desires of my heart. And hopefully some day, He can grant me that desire. But I have met some incredible people on this race. I have poured into 20-somethings like myself through my story…and gained discipline with every swing of the pickax. I’ve been able to transform a piece of land, stone by stone…creating rock walls and breaking down emotional ones. I’ve been able to connect with people and learned how to spread the Gospel to them in a loving way. The L*rd has used me…even when sometimes I’m consumed with disappointment because “He and the World Race haven't followed through.”
True, I didn’t really expect to be having to deal with team drama this far into the race. I didn’t expect for there to be so many team changes…and for there to be what I view as pettiness and deceit. But I can tell you that yes, even though there are just some people you don’t really click with…I’ve learned to love them anyway. I’ve learned to cry. And cry a lot. As long as the truth is out there. I’ve learned that awkward is okay…as long as you’ve addressed what you feel in your heart. I’ve learned that there is something beautiful about silence during feedback…and that it doesn’t have to be awkward. I’ve learned that Redemption is possible, and that the L*rd does beautiful things when all you can do is pray for someone else. I’ve also learned that I still hurt people on a daily basis…that I…and them…are human. And eventually, the best of friends have the occasional issue. I may not keep in touch with everyone from the race when I get home…but that doesn’t mean that I, or them, are terrible people. It means that we shared in this beautiful year together. And helped to sharpen each other into the best men and women we can be for the L*rd. The L*rd has used me…even when sometimes I’m consumed with disappointment because “They didn’t follow through.”
True, I didn’t really expect to question and doubt the L*rd’s plans for me. I didn’t expect to be complacent after a little over half the year of serving. I’ve learned that it’s a choice everyday to spend time with the L*rd. That I have the choice to sleep in, or to go hang out with a teammate or squad mate rather than dive into the word. What makes me grow spiritually is what choice I choose. Am I going to actually fast and pray for someone I promise I’ll pray for? Or am I going to say it to make myself look better to them? Am I going to pick up my devotional and actually study it for a half hour? Or am I going to flip through it and read the tagline to see if it applies to me or not. What a joke! I’m starving myself expecting myself to gain spiritual weight. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not the L*rd who hasn’t followed through…it’s me. I’ve let myself down. I’d be a complete idiot to blame The World Race or even G*d for my lack of spiritual growth.
True, I didn’t really expect to follow different leaders the entire year. I didn’t expect to not have a say…I didn’t expect to “not have a title”. This is one of my biggest feelings that has really caused me to be disappointed in myself. I needed to be okay with following. I need to be okay with following. My self worth is not found in leading people. Not to mention, there are ways to lead without have the title of “Team Leader”. I do care about people. And desire growth…and unity. But I don’t need to be recognized or put on a pedestal in order to act on those things. Truth is, now the thought of it scares the living daylights out of me. I honestly don’t think I would be good at it. Whether or not those are lies, I’m not entirely sure yet. But this expectation often has me shaking my head with a little bit of shame. Still, the L*rd has used me…even when sometimes I’m consumed with disappointment because “No one is recognizing me for this particular thing.”
I would like to say that I’ve learned my lesson by now…but I am a work in progress. It’s something I need to lay down daily. The L*rd is breaking me of my expectations every day. And while my expectations start small, and innocent…soon they consume me. Taking over my thoughts and emotions. Leaving me mad, upset, sad, and frustrated. They taught this to us at training camp, and I have a feeling it’s something I’ll have to constantly remind myself of. But the L*rd’s plans are better than my own. And His plans exceed any expectations I will ever have. Plans to prosper and not to harm me. I didn’t expect to not be married and get pregnant…and then when I expected a baby, I didn’t expect to have a miscarriage. But look where I am now.
My expectations get destroyed every single time. But that doesn’t mean that that my desires do. And that doesn’t mean that my hope for a life filled with love, joy, and babies (Whether on the race or my own), is lost.
And I’m thankful for that.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the L*rd. Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” ~ Jeremiah 29 : 11
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