It’s been 6 months since I accepted the stateside position as Child Sponsorship Director with Sarah’s Covenant Homes. And yall, it’s been really really hard. Great…inspiring…rewarding…but so hard. Going into the job I had dreams…visions of what I wanted it to look like. I had confidence that I would be fully supported and sponsored in no time…that because my vision lined up with where the Lord was calling me, it would be a smooth and easy transition from the race. Let’s just say that if I were sitting down with the Brittany in June, gushing about how easy it would be to do all this…I’d pat her on the head and tell her she was cute. Counting on my photography career to take off quickly, for supporters to switch from the Race to this job…I realized quickly that this wasn’t going to be what I always imagined.
So, it’s time for me to be vulnerable again with where my heart has been the past 6 months, so you as my prayer warriors and supporters know how best to pray about the next year and six months of my life and commitment with SCH. About a month after my return from SCH in September, my mood turned sour…months passed and every month I grew to resent my job. This past month for me has been about heart searching. Figuring out why I resented having to bridge the gap between India and everywhere else in the world. Figuring out why, when in India, I had to convince myself to walk up the stairs to the babies everyday. I think it had something to do with Ruby, honestly. I think a lot of my bitterness and anger does. That and it’s just hard having two completely different time zones trying to come together and figure out a system that is timely and effective. But, when there is an underlying issue…that seems to feel a lot bigger than it should be.
I realized it might have something to do with Ruby after hearing about potential adoptions within the rescue home babies while in India. Thinking back, while externally I showed a lot of happiness and hope for forever families, I couldn’t help but feel a little angry that complete strangers were taking a child I’d followed and loved on during my times in India. I’d seen these kids come in frail and on the brink of death, and now potentially leaving soon. But I don’t think it was their leaving that was really what hurt me…I am confident that it was a deeper hurt that I’ve avoided handling and feeling. My breaking point was when Ruby’s parents refused to bring her by at the end of the month…every day after that the word “adoption” that came next to any of the kids in that upper room, tasted like vinegar. Upon my return home from India, it was time to get back to the stateside tasks I’d joined SCH to do…that I didn’t want to do.
I spent a lot of time staring at the computer…seeing that there were things that needed to be done…and pushing them off for the next day. My friends and coworkers would ask me to do something for them…and I wouldn’t want to. Especially when it came to editing the galleries of the kids on the website. Moving them from “In Need of Sponsorship” to “Adopted”…for example. I was tired…and wondering how much longer I could do this job as the two years seemed incredibly daunting.
Just a few weeks ago it all blew up. I was so angry and frustrated with what I’d been reading online and with my job that I could physically feel pain…I had tunnel vision on my anger. I went to bed the same night wallowing in my own pity…and then the Lord met me there. Next to my bed is an 8×10 photo of Ruby that my mom printed for me when I returned from the race. She was being held up in the air by a nurse we had on staff…outside the rescue home next to the stairs. I knew the spot well. And her chubby face just beamed at me. I wept. Hard. I turned on my laptop and went to my world race blog page…reading the blogs I wrote while in India my first time. But before those, I read a blog I wrote titled : “I’m Expecting”. You should read the whole thing, but the jist of it goes like this : “I Expectations have a way of putting G*d in a pretty little box with a big red bow…it’s later that we realize, that He never fit in that box…and that in reality, He’s been watching you the whole time. He’s been with you. And He is very involved in said expectations whether or not those expectations become a reality.”
I continued to read…and then began to evaluate the reason I ever accepted the job in the first place. With tears streaming down my face I realized that again, to a degree, my motives were selfish. I partially accepted the position with the slight hope and chance that my path would cross with Ruby again. Then, when she was adopted just weeks before my return…I realized that I blamed SCH. I read through my blogs feeling that same familiar anger with myself I’d felt when I expected things from the race that weren’t delivered…and went to bed that night knowing that something needed to change.
I came to the conclusion that I needed to get involved again. I needed to fall back in love…but not the selfish kind of love…the Jesus kind of love. I started with Loretta…a baby I loved from my last trip and have followed since she arrived. My heart was strangely softened for her when I went to SCH in September, but out of a fear of her being adopted someday…I kept talking myself out of taking the step to become her sponsor. After my come back to Jesus moment, I grabbed my debit card, logged into Paypal…and began my journey as her sponsor. Since then, I’ve noticed more and more, with each passing day…that I could do this. I could find it again. It’s not about me…none of this is. I know I know this…but everyday it has to be relearned. It’s an effort to seek the Lord every day…and a decision that HAS to be made and not ignored. This is my way of serving and I’d chosen to do it with my own power, yet again.
Since everything went down it’s been different. The pain of what adoption looks like for the people who work with and love the kids we have is real…especially for the foster mommas in India right now. I can’t imagine pouring into a baby every day for months…years…only to entrust that baby you raised to a stranger. But they’re able to do it because of Jesus. And because of His love for them…for me…and for the kids. I’m still learning how to do this…this missionary thing…every day is an adventure. But I do know that along with grieving what has passed, it’s time to celebrate the future. To work for the goal of getting these children into forever homes. To love them in the meantime, and to send them out into the world with every ounce of Jesus we’ve poured into them. To celebrate my small part of making that happen. To celebrate that the Lord placed this job in my lap and love for these kids. To celebrate that He is good…every day…every time…every moment. That even when my expectations and desires are not met, He is still good. That every time I feel cheated or misunderstood…He is still good. That every time I mess up…I snap…I become impatient…He is still good.
Sitting here, 6 months in…I cannot imagine the growth that will come from this. I pray that my selfish ways are behind me…and that I learned the hard way how not to do things. I pray that I can continue to fall more and more in love with Jesus within this ministry. That I can chase after Him in every moment…every email…every Skype message. That I can choose grace and joy for myself and for others. That funds would come…and not an ounce of stress would come from not being fully sponsored. That there would be an abundant outpouring of love on these kids and that they would be fully sponsored this year. That all of the equipment and goods needed to run the homes would be available to us. That children would be healed mentally and physically from trauma and physical ailments. That divine appointments would be made with just the right people to hold fundraisers and events. That a unity and cohesiveness with each other as volunteers, team members, and coworkers, would pass anything we’ve seen before…and that we would be protected from every attack from the enemy trying to steal our joy, passion, and vision for this ministry. And I would ask that you pray for those things with me.
Heres to another one year and six months of being exactly where the Lord wants me. And loving every second of it.
A few ways you can help :
One time donations or monthly donations of any amount, you can sign up here :
http://schindia.com/supportbrittanydietzman/
Book a photography session:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/E11even-Photography/115438878549716
SCH Small Group Party:
This would look like me coming to your group with information, videos, stories of my time at SCH…and let you in on how you can come together as a group and sponsor a child monthly. (Ex: $5/couple…leads to a $35/mo sponsorship of a child) If you're a small group leader interested in knowing more, please feel free to email me!
Sponsor sweet Loretta with me:
She is in need of $250/month.
