“I had a dream that you handed a pregnancy test over to my father during parent vision week in India.” I sat at the table, open mouthed, and laughed out loud when one of my best friends told me about the dream she’d had the night before. “Weird thing is, my dad isn’t coming…”
I didn’t put much stock into her dream. I mean, its very obvious that it was clearly impossible to get pregnant here on the race…so why the pregnancy test? And why her dad? I shrugged it off and put it out of my mind as quickly as I heard it. Days crept by, and soon it was time for debrief in Vietnam. Our Logistics leaders felt it best to go to a beach about 3 hours from Ho Chi Minh, so we packed our things, loaded the bus, and left our home for the month in pursuit of the next step. At this point in my race…my heart was heavy. Because of team issues, “senioritis” and a whole lot of discouragement, I had become two steps away from depressed. I felt like I was pouring out way more than I was getting poured into. Debrief couldn’t have come at a better time.
Our alumni squad leaders made the trek over from the states to Vietnam, along with our squad mentor and squad parents. This is what I needed. Along with the joy that came from them being back, there was also grief as I had to prepare to say goodbye to my sister, friend, and teammate as she was struggling with some serious medical issues. I honestly was a ball of hot mess.
Then you add the fact that my desire to be a mom someday would not subside…and just kept growing every single day, that leads to a Brittany that I know I’ve never met before…and a Brittany that the squad leaders, parents, and mentor didn’t know either.
They were quick to listen, quick to act, and soon, I was on a new team. I actually fight lies that I wasn’t good enough or was the reason for my previous team failing on a daily basis. It’s something I’ve learned to give to the Lord whenever I feel that tap on my shoulder, the enemy trying to whisper in my ear, again.
During this debrief, I really took a lot of time to soak up wisdom, advice, and love from the leadership of our squad. I met with all the alumni squad leaders, both parents, and my mentor, on multiple occasions. Two of which have the gift of interpreting dreams. My very good friend had gone to one of our squad leaders with her dreams, and received word of what the dream she had that involved me meant.
You see, her dad wasn’t her dad…her dad symbolized Jesus. The pregnancy test, symbolized my miscarriage.
Something I was still holding onto with a vice grip.
Go ahead and re-read her dream…I’ll wait.
Done?
Good.
I mean…seriously.
I was poured into this last debrief. They prophesied healing over me…freedom…joy, true joy…peace…rest. Oh sweet rest. So you can imagine that this month had some pretty great perks to it. It exceeded every single expectation I’d ever hoped it would be.
We’re about a week out from the parents arriving here in India.
And I can tell you…that there has been a lot of freedom for me this month, so far. I was worried if I could love a child the way I wanted to. I was worried that if maybe I can’t have kids someday, if I could ever love an adopted child as much as one I would have had biologically. I was worried I would let the walls I’ve built up from the pain of losing a baby, prevent me from loving a baby in the future.
Thank God for Jesus.
Thank God for Love.
Thank God that God IS love.
For so long I have held this proverbial pregnancy test with both hands…cluched closely to my heart. Almost willing it to someday turn into the baby I lost. The baby that existed just long enough to change the one blue line to two pink lines. Knuckles white, my fingers locked…I haven’t been able to let it go. To not allow it to be my identity. I haven’t found the balance between cherishing the “what-could-have-been”…and the “I-wish-it-was”.
But God knew. Man, did God know. He used a broken little baby girl, to heal this broken-hearted would-be momma. Ruby, abandoned at two-months-old to a Hospital here in Hyderabad, India…Ruby, who by the Grace of God survived a terrible MRSA infection and Sepsis…Ruby, who was a mere 4lbs as a three-month-old. Ruby. God placed this broken child, into my broken arms, and brought freedom.
What followed was something neither of us could have ever imagined coming.
Love.
Simply put.
Just…love.
Through much snuggling, giggling, singing, staring, and cooing…this beautiful three-month-old baby girl grabbed a hold of my wounded heart and began to fit the pieces together again. This last week, I was sick for two days. When I finally recovered, I practically ran upstairs to be with her and saw her in the arms of a teammate. I walked up to her, knelt down to the fussy baby, and just looked at her. She turned her head to look at me, and just beamed back at me. And she was finally in my arms again.
I can't tell you how thankful I am for this month so far.
I can tell you that with Ruby on one hip, I have my pregnancy test in the other hand…down at my side. Turns out, I can love a baby as much as if she were my own. The Lord has given Ruby to me to be a mother to for the month. And honestly, I am praying about beginning the adoption process when I get home. However, even if there can’t be an “Operation Bring Ruby Home”, I do know that in my heart I will always consider her as my own. I will always pray for, root for, and think of her. My future children will know her name. Know her story. See her pictures. And know that she was an instrumental tool that the Lord used to help give me the freedom I didn’t know I wanted. Even if she can’t have my last name, Ruby will always have my heart.
February is the month of love. For this race, Month 8…February…is my month of love. It’s my month of freedom. My month of making the really hard choice to let go of my past, and to grieve…but to be joyful knowing that the Lord has given me a daughter in a completely different way. A baby girl I would have never had the honor and privilege to meet had my life gone how I had planned it. Who knows…maybe a baby who I’ll get to build a snowman with someday. I came into this race with a passion to be a mom someday. I just didn’t realize how soon that would be for me. And how much I would absolutely love every second of it.
Please join me in prayer. We’re about halfway through the month, and I am already tearing up imagining leaving Ruby. Pray for my heart. For her heart. And for the future for both of us.
