Written on May 2, 2013
I remember I hadn't even sat down yet before my boss asked if he could talk to me for a moment. It was a beautiful morning…gorgeous. The perfect weather…70 degrees, blue skies…something Michigan had been holding back for a long time. I stepped outside and breathed in the warm, spring air. I actually did a little circle…taking it all in. The trees seemed to have grown leaves over night…the grass was greener than I had ever seen it. I slid my sunglasses down over my eyes and crawled into my car. May 1st…this was the day I would tell my bosses about the race. I felt a huge mix of emotions on the drive to work yesterday morning. I've worked in the car industry for two years. In many ways, it was my life. I'd spent more time selling cars than I had spent with my family. It had taken over my life. I thought back to my first days with the company…how excited I was about it. I recounted my first deals…thinking back to my favorite customers…my favorite car I sold…I thought about the hours I spent after close, training…spilling over my work. I thought about breaking off my engagement. I thought about the choices I made afterwards…the people I hurt…the emotional and physical struggle I went through. The rebounds…how lost I was after only 8 months of making this job my everything. I had spiraled out of control. I shifted uncomfortably in the seat of my car and switched the song on the radio…the song that reminded me so much of the hardest time in my life. I thought about the day I quit for the first time…giving hugs goodbye…sobbing my brains out…it wasn't letting the job go as much as it was letting go of my past that was so painful. It was shortly after that I learned of, signed up for, and got accepted on the race. It made me smile a little…knowing the plan God had for me. It took Him taking away everything for me to realize He's all I have in the first place.
The dealership was coming into view as I remembered the day I got hired at this other location. I didn't want to work in the car industry again…but a job was a job. I remember sitting in the General Manager's office with the General Sales Manager and Finance Manager. Selling my skills that I tried really hard to forget for so long. It wasn't the same, working there. Thankfully…I never quite got that passion and drive that I had at the other store. My biggest fear was that the industry would take over my life again…that I would lose myself in the money and control that I had in my position. As I parked my bug…I took a deep breath. Despite my not liking what I did…the company name itself weighed heavy on my heart. I had gained so much…and lost even more here. I found love, lost love…and cried many tears because of the people I met at this place…and my time there was coming to an end. I prayed that the Lord would give me a firm answer as to how long I had left. I just didn't realize how firm that answer would be.
My plan was to go in and tell my boss that I needed time off for training camp. If he asked why…I'd tell him. But only if he asked why. I barely had set my things down before he asked for a word. I had asked him the day before if I could meet with him, so I figured, at first, that maybe he had a free moment and remembered that I had asked to meet with him. Then we headed to my GM's office…the same office that 6 months earlier I got hired in. I felt a little uneasy…thinking maybe I'd be written up or something. We walked through the door and I pulled out a chair on the opposite side of my boss. As I was sitting down, I took a glance at the sheet I thought would show the reason I was being written up. Only to see the word "Separation" on the top of the page. My heart sank and the air left my lungs. I had joked so many times that I would be relieved if this were to ever happen…here it was happening and I couldn't help but feel like my life was being taken from me. It went beyond my job…it was all I had ever known for two years. It became my routine…my "norm". I didn't cry…at first. I think my brain was trying to process what was happening. My boss was super sweet about it…saying that the company was simply going in a different direction. I sorta laughed…how much clearer could God have been? I feel like He was sitting in the empty seat next to me with his hands out ready to finally take this from me. It wasn't even a choice anymore. My eyes brimmed with tears as I signed the separation form…this was me handing it over.
I finished signing my name and passed him the paper. I told him everything. About the race. About training camp. About how I thought God was a funny guy. About how perfect this was for me…I think I was trying to convince myself the more I kept talking. So there it was…my answer…my freedom…and I had never been more terrified in my life. I left there after packing up my desk and cramming it in my car…with tear filled eyes hidden behind my sunglasses I gave some hugs…got in my car…and pulled out of the dealership 20 minutes after I had gotten there. The company name behind me. I cried. A lot. Drove straight to where my boyfriend works and got a hug from him.
It's funny. I've been sick at least 6-7 times in the past 5 months…most likely from stress. Stress about driving an unregistered car with no insurance because I couldn't afford it, knowing I had to sell it before I left for the race for $2,000 over what it was worth because I was naive when I bought it and paid too much. It was the stress of knowing I have to fundraise for this race, yet work 10 hour days at a job I wasn't passionate about anymore…and for good reason. In two days both my car sold, and my job was gone…and I was still crying. What!? It made zero sense to me. Still doesn't. This morning I woke up at 9:30…and just laid there for a minute and pet my dog Emma who was laying next to me. I think…no, I know that God knew I needed this. I think He also knew that I wasn't going to give it up very easily. He knew I needed time with my family and friends before I left; time with my dog…time with Jacob. And as long as I was working, I wasn't going to get that time. I think above all else, God wanted my happiness. I feel like ever since I was 19…because of things out of my hands and choices I had made, things were just bad…I mean, there were and are definitely good moments…people who have and do bless my socks off…but they have always come at a price. I think that finally God wanted nothing more than to just make me happy.
I'm thankful for yesterday. I'm thankful for the last two years. While working there I have learned more about redemption, life and death, and about what is important in life than any other time in my life. I've celebrated huge accomplishments…and realized my biggest failures. I've broken hearts, and had my heart destroyed. And sitting here, I realize. Everything happens for a reason. If I had never started work at the first location…I wouldn't have met the people I did. Which means we never would have never gone to Uccellos and made some memories. If I had never been through the heartbreak I had been through, I would have never quit. If I had never quit, I would have never decided to do the race. If I had never gone to that interview at the other location, I wouldn't have gotten a job which helped me pay rent and keep a roof over me and Emma's head. If I hadn't begged my boss to let me drive a Lincoln SUV to the location I used to work at, I would have never met that cute new guy. If I had never met that cute new guy…I wouldn't have hung out with my old friends again. If I had never hung out with my old friends again…I wouldn't have gotten to know that cute guy who would become my boyfriend. If I didn't get laid off…I wouldn't get unemployment…and I wouldn't have this time to mentally and physically prepare for the race and two years ahead.
I mean seriously. What's the use in worrying about how I'll survive financially the next year or two? Simple faith moves mountains. God is FOR me…never against me. And it's so easy to sit in the memories and crap that you've been through and find excuses to not get past them. It's easy to cling on to what is familiar even though you can't stand it…even though it makes you miserable. But let me tell you…even though it's hard to look change in the face and sign your "old life" away…God is ready and willing to take it from you…and has SO much more planned for you than you can imagine. He doesn't want you to settle for "normal"…for "routine". He want's you to THRIVE. To Grow! To enjoy this life! To enjoy what you do! To enjoy the people you spend time with! To be passionate about something! And sometimes that requires you giving up what you have in order to get there. Sometimes it means signing that Separation form and sliding it across the desk, packing up your desk, and driving away.
