So, it has now been almost two weeks since I left training camp and I’m still not so sure I know what in the world I signed up for haha! Sleeping in a tent in 35 degree weather praying my feet don’t ice over before morning, sitting down at breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a platter of food, that in my mind would be meant for maybe three people, but instead was meant for 8, taking only 4 cold bucket showers, and praying desperately the awesome person that cleaned the port a potties would show up at any moment because guys, it was BAD. Some of you are reading this thinking, “Oh wow I can’t believe Britt survived ten days living in that mess” but that’s when I tell you, I lived in a mess my entire life, so those ten days were easy. The hard part was finding out how broken and messy I was and that I had allowed myself to live in that place my entire life.
I walked through life wearing so many masks. One mask might say I had it all together and that life was great, behind that mask everything was falling down around me. Another mask might tell you I make really good choices, but behind the mask told another story. It told a story of reckless abandon to chase what the world had to offer instead of what God was freely giving. I spent a lot of my life pretending I had it all together. Several people knew my story, saw the pain I felt, but even those handful of people in my life didn’t really KNOW me. I carried a heavy load of never being able to freely express my emotion in a proper way. I buried everything thinking it would go away if I never addressed it. Other people needed me to be strong, so that was more important. I was a fixer and a people pleaser and that was where I found my worth. Everything in my life was a show, up to and including my family, the relationships with boyfriends, what I led people to believe about me, the choices I made thinking no one will ever know. I couldn’t expose the trash of my life because I was disgusting and worthless in my mind, so I would just hide behind the masks and Satan loved it! He used those words countless times in my life and I believed it. I carried so much shame in my life and I allowed it to take me down a dark path. No one will ever understand what I’ve been through, and the people I care about will think I’m disgusting if they know this, and no one can ever relate to my story so there’s no point in broadcasting it. I thought all of those things on a regular basis. This was spiritual warfare in the realest form for me. God wanted more for my life and he wanted to take me deeper, but shame controlled my life so I hid myself from God. He knew the battle I was facing, and wanted to clean up the messy parts of my life, but I only wanted to give him the parts that were convenient instead of the parts that were broken and messy.
Fast forward to training camp. Let me start by saying if you think vulnerability is hard, you’re right. Let me also say, it’s worth it. I found myself sitting in a room with 11 other people who had their own struggles and journey and we were expected to share the ugly parts of our lives and the deep secrets we hadn’t shared with anyone before. We were perfect strangers in my opinion so sharing those secrets with someone else ran all over me. I wasn’t ready for that. It wasn’t until after I had exposed the dirty parts of my life with these people that I realized I had also walked into freedom and there weren’t looks of condemnation or disgust because they had been there too! The simple words, “me too” completely wrecked me. I was no longer in this alone and other people could relate to me. Most importantly, Satan no longer had control over those parts of my life anymore because they were exposed! Freedom was delivered in a room of broken and messy women and baggage was left to stay!
So, there’s that! Needless to say, Training Camp kind of wrecked me and I came back a totally different person, thank the Lord! Transitioning has been difficult and explaining what life looked like emotionally, physically, and spiritually has also been a struggle. The good news is that I walked into freedom, I made lifelong friendships with people who were complete strangers on day one, and I am going to the nations with a team of awesome women and a squad of 41 men and women who are going to change the world and what is more awesome than that!? Expectant for what the Lord is going to do in and through me during these next two months at home and for what the Lord will do in the 11 months abroad!
