I am literally going to tell you about my day. It sucked, but then it was great at the same time. Confusing, I know. But I am just going to write. I won’t think or prepare anything, just gonna write from my little ol heart.
Here’s some background: Kelly had to fly home last month for a wedding, but stayed the entire month of Kenya because she still had malaria. She is flying in at 2am to Nairobi. I was with Kate’s team this week, and they had planned for a day of rest, before leaving for Uganda, at Millimani Backpackers’ Hostel. That day of rest was yesterday. It was great; we napped, hung out, chatted with foreigners from all over the world, and watched the Olympics. They left early this morning, leaving me alone. So I woke up, not knowing anyone around me, and having no one to look out for me. I stayed back to pick up Kell from the airport. I almost forgot that detail.
Some more background: This month, God has been calling, no, beckoning me into discipline and prayer. He has been tugging at me to carve out time to be with Him and to fight for my friends and family and the squad behind the scenes. Man that is a struggle for me. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to sit and posture my heart towards Him on behalf of others. Part of it is because I don’t know what to say. When I am with people, that is how God speaks the most through me. I see them, and hear their voice and observe them, then He speaks to me and gives me words for them. Seriously, it’s crazy, I can walk into somewhere and ask the spirit to speak and He gives me words and eyes that pierce through all the yuck and get right to the heart of things. It’s mind blowing, truly. So thankful for how He uses me.
But, when you take away sight, and touch, and being physically present, I got nothin! I literally don’t know what to pray for people. And, I am sorry, but sleep always overrules waking up to pray. Just being honest. This month, I have definitely made baby steps. I bought a prayer journal for the squad. I have only written on 4 pages, but that is better than nothing. I am slowly being convicted more and more from the spirit to PRAY, pray, pray, pray. It’s coming, really, but it’s a slow process.
Even more background: There has been a LOT going on with our squad. People have been hurt, they feel defeated, and sickness has taken over this month. As a leader, I am trying to figure out what the heck to do. But, I know there’s nothing I can do, so I just throw up my hands and say “have your way” “I trust you.” I have found rest amongst the mess. It’s a beautiful thing. But, with that, I have been pouring out a lot. A lot of daily filling up from Him, and then being empty at the end of the day. With that said, I am pretty empty. He has been filling me up A LOT, but what I need is for the body to fill me up. I am realizing how much I need my community and how much I need WORDS from Him. Today, I woke up empty and heavy.
I woke up around 9:15 because I had to find out if I needed to switch rooms. I didn’t. yay. I decided to shower since it had been four days or so since I was clean. I had a hot shower, it was amazing. I walked about ten minutes up the hill to Savannah House, a local coffee shop with free wifi and amazing food and coffee. On the way, I had to ward off men trying to get me to go on their safari. A few minutes later, I tripped on the tiniest rock ever. I arrived at the coffee shop and sat down. Alone. It was nice at first, but then I noticed how empty I was feeling. I opened my Bible, but didn’t know what to read. I thought about listening to music, but then got mad because the songs I just downloaded only play for 10 seconds each (mac, it’s the music you recommended…arghhh what are the chances!) Then I was gonna journal, so I did. I wrote about 10 words. Ugh. I ordered a large iced caffe latte. YUM. That helped a little, but not for long. Eventually, I got to the point of asking God to direct me to some random podcast or something, SOMETHING, anything. But I got nothing.
Then, I realized that my heart was needing people. Not people to be here with me physically, but people who are in tune with the spirit and can speak into me. I needed words. I need words. God has been speaking a lot to me, but I am in need of words that He is speaking to others about me. I am realizing that I need this so much because it is literally my passion. Hearing words from the Lord for people, speaking them, and watching how it either encourages or speaks to them, man that feeds my soul.
Anyway. While I was needing something, my brother Nathan text me, and asked how I was. There was a genuine concern for my heart that I sensed, so I told him I was tired and needed rest and just something from the Lord. He encouraged me, loved me well, and gave me Isaiah 40:31. Hm. Thanks God! That was nice, that can carry me through! Whoops, nope, it helped me get a short burst of spunk, but then boom. Right back to where I was. (Nate, you truly helped me heart, but I needed a whole lot)
I remembered that Betsy had told me to write down everything I was carrying regarding the squad and just anything really, so I did. I wrote it all down and emailed it to my coaches and squad leaders. Ahh. Sweet release. I really did feel lighter. It was good, you should do it. Just write down all the crap and release it to the Lord, or to someone, or to the air. Whatever works for you. Either way, bringing things to the light always makes room for God to move.
I prayed again. Rather than encouraging me though, HE CONVICTED ME. He literally said, “Britt, you want people to speak into you and pour into you and give you spirit led words, but you don’t take the time to do that for them. How dare you expect them to and then be disappointed, when you don’t!” whoah. Dagger. I nodded my head and said something along the lines of “word.” Then, I decided to start doing listening prayers for whoever God puts on my heart. Right as I was about to start….
Hope calls me on skype! Omg what a delightful and BIG breath of fresh air. We talked for over an hour. But the thing was, she didn’t have amazing words of encouragement for me or anything, we were just being silly and talking like girls do. Whoo. That filled me up, thanks Lord! Thanks for that burst of Hope 😉
Right after I was done talking to her, I received two emails from people I love. They were encouraging and even more breaths of life for me. Whooo things are looking up!
Then I listened and wrote five different listening prayers for some of my family, some of my friends, and some people I barely know. It was great. Hold me accountable to doing that more please!
Then I got to skype Wes and see Hosanna and Casey. Ahhh breathing in more and more, thanks Dad!
Now, I am sitting here eating a grilled chicken, avocado, and jalapeno sandwich, with fries, and a milkshake on the side. I am sitting in a big comfy couch taking up a table for six basically. I have had five different random people come and sit by me and eat. We never talked, but we ate together. The last one that just left was a couple on a date. Weird and random, but fun.
I am waiting to pick up kell from the airport and to LOVE on her. I will take a taxi back to the hostel because its dark and way too sketch to walk back alone, and hopefully around 3 am I will take a taxi out to the airport and pick her up. Tomorrow we will head to Nakuru and meet up with some of the squad.
What a day right? This marks my first official day being alone, in a foreign country, for over 24 hours. What a feat! Anyway, I just wanted to share and to pass on the word I got from the Lord:
If you are feeling empty-fill someone up.
If you are feeling down-lift someone up.
If you need encouragement- Encourage someone.
If you need help- help someone.
Pretty simple, I know. But, yikes, so POWERFUL.
As soon as I took my eyes off of myself and followed His lead, which ultimately led to serving others, He filled me up! What a concept.
Thanks for reading my thoughts and heart. Thanks for allowing me to be real and naked and raw. It’s the best way to be.
Asante!
