Have you ever found yourself retreating? Do you shut-down and go into survival mode when things get hard? Do you hide your gifts and deny people them?
I hate to admit it, but I found myself running from my true identity and retreating.
It’s month 9 of the Race. The initial excitement and sense of adventure has worn off. Energy levels are running low and the constant change has gotten old. You’re at a point where you really want your own space and don’t want to be with the same 5 people anymore. You’re tired of being constantly challenged and stretched.
These feelings are fairly typical for Racers at this point on the Race and I’m no exception.
Two things came up last week that revealed that I’ve been retreating, hiding my true identity and denying others what God has given me to share.
I had a conversation with a teammate that revealed that she can sense that I’m not investing in her or the team. I’m doing ministry well, but I’m coasting when it comes to being intentional with teammates. It was a hard and awkward conversation.
Later I received an encouraging email from a friend back home that said, “You are so good at self-sacrificing love and I’m sure you’ve gotten even better at it.” Normally, I would take that as a compliment, but at that moment I felt like crying. I wanted to cry because I didn’t feel like I was offering self-sacrificial love to the people around me.
The truth is I wasn’t.
Looking back on last month and the last few weeks, I can honestly say that I have been coasting and just tolerating my teammates. Being in the same small space constantly surrounded by 5 other women and never getting alone time was driving me crazy. All I could focus on was the messiness of the room and the annoying little habits that my teammates have (we all have them).
Honestly, I also didn’t particularly feel loved or pursued by my teammates either. When you’re always around the same people it’s easy to do your ministry work and go home and do your own thing to check-out (watch movies, read books, go on Wi-Fi, etc.). We’re all guilty of it.
Little by little I started shutting people out. I stopped showing and sharing my tender, loving and sensitive side. I would love people conditionally; if they are nice to me, I’ll be nice to them. I started focusing on all the bad things and it became harder to see the good. I struggled seeing my teammates the way Jesus does. My heart was hardening and I was becoming bitter.
It was killing me inside because that is not the Britney God created.
He’s given me a sweet, sensitive and tender heart, but I was hiding it. I was stifling my identity and it was stealing my joy. I was trying to protect my heart from being hurt, but in reality I was sabotaging my relationships. I wasn’t trusting that God had my best interest in mind. I was refusing to give away my gifts and allow God to use them. I was denying others what God has given me freely; unconditional love. I was rejecting the way God created me and telling him that he messed up by making me sensitive.
I was lovingly, but firmly reminded by my squad coach that I was called to the Race and that I made a commitment to it; therefore, I don’t have the right to just tolerate my teammates until the end of the race.
God trusted me to seek him and use his strength. He put me on the Race and this team to grow and to be challenged. We need one other and our different gifts are what make up the body of Christ. The Lord gave me a sensitive heart and he wants me to share it with my team because they need it.
I’ve been asking the Lord to see my teammates with new eyes that are able to see past the mess. I’ve been praying for a generous heart that gives away love without expecting anything in return and for the strength to obey when the Lord gives me a prompting to love others. I’ve been asking him to give me the courage to love others even when I don’t “feel like it” and for the boldness to step out more in my identity as a tender loving young woman. I’ve been praying that I will forgive quickly and have grace when others hurt or offend me.
He’s been faithfully answering those prayers as I step out in faith. The heaviness of my heart is being lifted and my thoughts are becoming less critical and judgmental. It hasn’t been easy though. I’ve had to humble myself and ask for forgiveness, I’ve had to get over feeling awkward or ridiculous and I’ve had to trust the Lord even when things don’t make sense. I am learning to obey the Lord and to take every thought captive. It’s a daily battle that I must continue to fight with the Lord’s strength.
