Wow. Lebanon. So much has happened so fast. From feeling faithless to full of faith, hearing stories of refugees, seeing my life flash before my eyes, inprompto teaching, fundraising, dreams and visions, diving into new depths in my relationship with God, and preparing for team changes, it’s been a mentally hard month and nevertheless a rollercoaster. I’ve been jerked sideways, turned upside down, and thrown in many different directions. But I’ve looped back around to the same airport where we started… Just a little dizzy.
We arrived in Lebanon and were picked up to be transported to the city of Tyre. It was a long ride late at night. I’m strapped in, let’s go.
And the rollercoaster is off. Straight down and then a 90 degree turn.
We arrived at Tyre Church – a church planted in the middle of a war zone. We received our schedule and were told the ministries we could help with. Children, women, music, house visits, and more.
We heard stories of people who had to flee from their country for following Jesus, people who run away to avoid being killed, people who lose relation to their family, people who give up everything to follow Jesus. We heard stories from kids who love Jesus but are scared to tell their parents and stories of teenagers who are beat by their parents just because they want to go to church. Their faith is real and genuine.
And then there are the stories of people who say they can’t believe in Jesus because they don’t want to give it all up or because it simply isn’t their culture.
I wrote this in Cyprus and stumbled upon it at the beginning of Lebanon:
[ I’m currently in the Middle East where it is sinking in that Christianity isn’t a western religion, but is rooted here!
The people I’ve encountered seem to have a deeper understanding of things recorded in the Bible where many Americans, including myself, have more logical views and explanations. Our host said, “You Americans study the Bible based on theology, we study the Bible based on culture.” God has been teaching me much through the people here. ]
And so it begins… The rollercoaster goes upside down in a bunch of consecutive loops… of feeling faithless. Of feeling like I’m not really a believer.
Would you say you followed Jesus if it meant that you lost your family, you lost your job, and could potentially lose your life?
This question has been tugging my heart for an answer. As I lay in a bed that’s not my own in Lebanon and think about it, honestly the answer might be no.
This deeply saddens me.
When I chose to believe in Jesus, I never questioned if my family would kick me out and disown me. I never questioned opportunities that would be hindered in the future. And I didn’t have to consider that I might be killed if someone found out I believed in Jesus. Or even kicked out of my country.
Woah.
The Gospel is feeling heavy.
If I did have to wrestle through those things, would I believe?
It took me four years to become a believer after I heard the Gospel for the first time because I question everything. How much longer would it have taken under harsher circumstances?
This drives me back to some hard questions.
How do I know my faith is real?
Why do I believe what I believe?
What made me believe in the first place?
Is Jesus worth giving up your life? If so, why?
So after procrastinating, I finally sat down to pray and seek answers.
And to my surprise, the answer came fast.
And to my frustration, after all this, the answer was very simple.
Because I’ve experienced Jesus.
The experiences are so deeply rooted that He is undeniable to me.
Plain knowledge is shallow compared to experience.
And the rollercoaster slowed down for just a minute.
It inches up a steep incline.
And down it drops.
I have a dream. And another. And another. This is nothing out of the ordinary. I’m used to going through periods where I have weird dreams that I don’t understand, but this time was different because of what I was already going through. I’ve figured out what some dreams mean. Others, not so much. I also experienced two instances where someone told a dream they had, and I had already had that dream! Unbelievable!
Now the next part might sound crazy, and it’s okay if you don’t believe me. So I started having these visions where I would see the ceiling split open and see brightness in the opening. It took me a few times of seeing this to remember that I had a similar vision a couple summers ago at a church camp. I remembered writing it down, so I asked a friend to send me a picture of it…
I read it…
It wasn’t like I remembered, so I’m glad I wrote it down. When I read it, I was in denial that I wrote it. If I didn’t know I was the one who wrote it, I would think I was freaking crazy!
There is another thing that keeps running through my mind. It’s pretty far fetched, but I have several people who have written it down in case it does come to pass… In the next fourteen years.
So my brain is jumbled and I’m praying God will reveal to me what these things mean.
I think the rollercoaster got stuck upside down…
But finally it came back down. Then it went up and up and up. On this mountain.
Fundraising update. At the beginning of this month, I had $4,774 to raise. Now I have $784 to raise. Praise God! Thank you if you are reading this and have donated. If you feel led, you can find the donate link at the top of the page.
We celebrated Thanksgiving with many, and had a Christmas program for orphaned children and widows. Upon leaving the U.S. I knew I would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I didn’t anticipate missing the whole holiday season and all the things that come with it. Family, friends, movies, music, cooler weather, skinning deer, fire places, picking out a nice smelling Christmas tree, and sweet treats. It made me grateful to have all these things because not everyone does.
And there are many more things that happened this month. We helped with a lot of kid ministry things, and helped teach English. (I also found a Chemistry book in our apartment and got way too excited about that!) We heard many testimonies of the believers in the church, saw examples of modern day biblical slavery, went to a Jazz Concert (there’s a big music ministry that happens at Tyre Church), and dove much deeper into scripture. We were able to build one another up amongst our team. A few of us non-musically talented people got roped into leading worship, and it was one of my most embarrassing moments. I never want to do it again. The pastor and host family took us to some cool caves, and we tried to go to the Cedars of Lebanon, but the van broke down. It was an adventure!
This month I have strongly felt the presence of the Lord. I’ve seen more of His sovereignty, love, kindness, grace, and goodness. It feels good to just sit in awe of our God.
You know how some rollercoasters take you through water?? This one took me through fire.
It has been a month of refining
While this month was a rollercoaster I wouldn’t choose to ride, it was one I’m glad I rode. And I rode it with my best friend, Jesus.
Next, we are headed to Jordan (actually in Jordan now) for a month. The first week is a debrief with the whole squad. We will also be having team changes as well as change in leadership.
