I have spent the
last 4 years stressing about what I’m supposed to do with my life. I’ve never
felt a strong pull in any one direction, and I’m still trying to figure what
things I’m passionate about…what makes me come alive. I graduated college with
no desire to actually use my degree, I’m 24 yrs old and I don’t have a clue
what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve struggled with feeling like there’s
something wrong with me that I haven’t figured it out yet. I have no goals and
no burning passion to do any one particular thing. I feel frustrated and
defeated. Somewhere along the line isn’t that supposed to change? When do
things finally come together and click…when does my fuzzy future finally shift
into clear focus? When are my questions
going to be answered? When is my life going to make sense, and when am I going
to know my purpose? Where do I fit? Why hasn’t God shown up and revealed His
plan for my life yet? Everyone’s always telling me that God has a plan and a
purpose for my life, but I think it’s much easier to say that when you’re the
one standing on the shore, not when you’re floundering in the ocean hoping and
praying for someone to throw you a life line. “Trust God, He’s got it all under
control…Jeremiah 29:11…God’s ways aren’t our ways, etc.” It’s always just
sounded like empty words to me…the “right” thing to say to the poor
directionless girl who hasn’t figured it out yet. Cover her fears and pain with
the shallow Christianese cliché phrases that sound good. None of it has helped,
none of it has brought me any peace…until about 2 weeks ago.
During our two
weeks of debrief/training, something somehow switched in my brain, and for the
first time I realized that my future doesn’t really matter all that much…at
least not in the ways that I’d been thinking it did. God could easily just give
me all the answers to my million questions, but all that would do is enable me
to continue orchestrating all the details of my own life, independent, and
fully in control. So to keep me dependent, God’s not giving me those answers
yet. He’s not nearly as concerned with the details of my life as I am…and
they’re not nearly as critically important as I’d like to think they are. He’s
much more concerned with me learning to trust Him everyday. To rely on Him as
my guide, and realize the joy of walking this journey together. The joy of
taking my Daddy by the hand each and every day and saying, “I trust you today.”
As long as I’m by His side, I don’t have to have all the answers for tomorrow. He
knows what I need, and He’s going to take care of it. He loves it when His children
trust Him. God has brought me back to the basics.
Why did He create me? Because He wants to love me.
What is my purpose? To be loved
. Who am I? His daughter.
God has had me
in this place of uncertainty and instability because He knows that if I have
anything else solid to hold on to, I’ll cling to that instead of to Him. He
wants to give me all those things eventually, but He isn’t going to until I
learn how to rely on Him alone as my source of security. I’ve struggled with
never feeling settled, never having a person, a job, or a home that is my safe
place. I’ve spent the last several years looking for something solid, and God
has refused to give it to me. He wants me to look to Him to provide that
security and stability…not a person, a job, a home, or a family. Because at
some point along the road, something is going to happen to each of those
things, and if all my security is wrapped around them, I’m going to be right
back to square one again…lost, scared, insecure, and desperate; grasping
frantically to regain control. I don’t want to live my whole life like that.
November 19 is
going to be here before I know it. What’s next? I have no idea, and for the
first time in my life I’m ok with that.
Collosians 2:
2-6 (from The Message)
“I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with
everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at
rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of
wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we’ve
been shown the mystery! I’m telling you this because
I don’t want anyone leading you off on some wild-goose chase, after other
so-called mysteries, or “the Secret.” My counsel for you is simple and
straightforward: Just go ahead with what you’ve been given. You received Christ
Jesus, the Master; now live him. You’re deeply rooted in him.
You’re well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do
what you’ve been taught. School’s out; quit studying the subject and
start
living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.”
