Here’s the 4 month late processing blog….I also wrote one on how I ended up in Lafayette. http://bridgetmcnamara.theworldrace.org/?filename=its-a-jesus-story
“Mom, I really do think that I’m losing my mind.” This was a phone conversation I had with my
mom after my car broke down for the last time and was stranded halfway between
Lafayette and Chicago. I’ve used the
phrase “I’m losing my mind” more times in the past 4 months than my entire life
put together. I joked about it a lot,
but there were some times I wondered who in the world I had become.
Prior to the Race I felt that I was a pretty responsible person….I
showed up to meetings on time, remembered people’s names, usually knew where
things were, didn’t have to mapquest every place that I wanted to go, etc….Right
before the Race I finished up my 3rd year of teaching 3rd
grade. (And even wrote this blog about
it! http://bridgetmcnamara.theworldrace.org/?filename=3rd-year-in-3rd-grade) I wasn’t a pro at what I was doing, but after
3 years I was pretty confident in what I was doing. I had a life.
(Or what I thought was a life.) I
had an apartment, roommates, I actually owned furniture and kitchenware, my car
was on its last life, but I had money to replace it if I wasn’t about to leave
for the World Race. If my car was in the
shop I could easily hop on public transportation without being a burden to
anybody else. I had a much nicer
wardrobe than I do now, and money to add to that nicer wardrobe….I wasn’t
rolling in the dough in Christian Education, but I was comfortable enough. I had a great group of friends in Chicago and
in Indianapolis.
Once upon a time I had a normal life when I could road trip with friends and not have to think about squeezing everything into a backpack and stopping the car whenever I wanted! Sorry about the size of these pictures…apparently I’ve forgotten how to upload pictures on my WR blog.
Then I went on the Race and Jesus messed ALL that up. He asked me to give up my job, my apartment,
my things, my independence, my routine, my comforts, etc. Now this blog is not to feel sorry for myself
or show you what “I” did….This is all part of the re-entry process I’ve been
going through these past few months. He
took me on this Race and showed me what’s real.
He showed me what it meant to be independently dependent (thanks Theresa!)
on Jesus. He showed me that my life in
America wasn’t wrong, but who was I living for?
On the Race when I started to get obsessed with what I was going to do
after the Race, my computer randomly broke.
When I was about to go “fix” that problem, my wallet got stolen. When I wanted to complain about my
circumstances, life at home, etc….I found myself sick in bed with malaria and a
lot of time to think and pray. When I
got too comfortable with my teammates my team got switched.
And then somehow this lifestyle became completely normal….
Then on August 4th, 2011, I got dropped off in
what R Squad had been referring to “real life” for 11 months. Four days after the Race I found myself in a
brand new community where I didn’t know a single person. Immediately I thought, “Okay, I need to
figure out ‘real life’ all by myself….I get to be independent again. I hadn’t shed a single tear since we landed
in JFK…Until that first night in the bread aisle at Walmart in Lafayette, Indiana. The first time grocery shopping without my
team in a year. I felt so overwhelmed,
was convinced that I couldn’t do this, and that maybe all of this was some
ridiculous dream and that maybe I really was still in month 6 of the Race?
Months went by and I felt like I was a brand new teacher
again. I never felt caught up. I forgot things ALL THE TIME. I would spend 20 minutes talking to someone,
see them the next day, and have no idea why I thought they looked familiar! I
don’t think I can emphasize how truly ridiculous I was acting. I kept making the disclaimer, “I really was a
normal person before the Race.” I was
appalled at my behavior and very embarrassed at times. I never thought I’d have to ask Jesus to
bring my memory back….but I did and I asked that a lot!
The first four months home haven’t been easy. I got discouraged a lot. At some point in the end of October/Early
November I was sick and tired of forgetting everything, always feeling like the
new person, getting stranded on the side of the road and having to call someone
(again!) to come help me, etc. For the
month of November I felt as if I was always on the verge of tears….At one point
I said to myself, “Bridget, you’ve got to get it together…This is ridiculous.” One of my squad mates kindly reminded me that
I didn’t have a moment of rest since I got home from the Race….they went
through this struggle in month one and two….And I was in such “power mode” to
start work that I didn’t have time to think about what I had just experienced
on the Race. Finally, one night I sent a text to my friend
from the Race and said, “You have permission to call me and keep me accountable
for some serious Jesus time that I need to have tonight.” I felt so far from the Jesus I had gotten so
close to on the Race….I was trying so hard to do this all by myself…I blasted
the worship music, worshiped for a long time, journaled, let myself remember
the Race, and talked to Him about what His plan was for me here in Lafayette.
He knew exactly where I needed to be. In the Ukraine, I asked Jesus to give me the
constant peace of knowing that Lafayette was the next chapter in my life
because I knew the next few months wouldn’t be easy and sometimes I would
wonder why in the world I came here. A
midst ALL the transition, culture shock, re-entry, etc I’ve gone through….I’ve
NEVER doubted that I’m supposed to be here.
In fact, Lafayette has truly become home. It was the first place that I’ve lived that I
just knew was not temporary….That He has me here for something and for
awhile. When I think about my future….I
see myself right here in Lafayette. Team
Zahar prayed for community for me when I arrived. And I can’t believe how He has provided….A
few people in particular have bent over backwards to help with my transition to
Lafayette….And some had to deal daily with my forgetfulness! It’s still crazy to me to look back at WR
pictures and know that was my life….And now it’s this. From teaching city kids in Chicago….To living out of a backpack for a year….To teaching country kids in Indiana…..
So, what has He been teaching me through all of this???
My desire for
independence gets in the way of my dependence on Him. And I was I ever independent! My squad can tell you stories of when I tried
to go off and do things by myself!
His plans ARE better
than ours….I never would have looked at a map and placed myself in
Lafayette, IN.
I can be discouraged,
but when that happens WHO am I looking to?
The money, routine,
wardrobe, convenience, and things that “I” had before the Race are nothing
compared to the way HE has provided for after the Race.
Learning what it means
to be independently dependent on Jesus.
Soak up His blessings. Seriously, my life is so blessed. I couldn’t have done ANY of this without
HIM.
Ask and you shall
receive…..Community, friends, a house to live in, a job….
A “normal” life is GOOD….If
you can call it “normal” of course! Some of my squadmates are still traveling,
going back overseas, heading back into missions…Which is all GOOD. Yet, I love my life. A lot.
Jesus needs His kids in the U.S. teaching in regular schools, living
in regular communities, and being members of churches just like He needs his
kids living in huts in Kenya and rescuing women off the streets in Cambodia. I’ve had a few people question my reason for
going on the Race and going right back in to teaching…And this is always my
answer. I’m a different friend,
daughter, sister, and aunt because of what He did in me over the 11 months. I’m a different teacher than I was before the
Race. The Race doesn’t intend for you to
all go overseas for the rest of your lives.
We are meant to bring the Kindgom of God wherever He leads us….And He
lead me right to Lafayette, Indiana.
Jesus can be crazy in
America too! I’ve been working through
the “World Race Jesus” and the “America Jesus” that my mind has created….He is
the same Jesus that healed a baby in Kenya that loves 8 year olds in my 3rd
grade class in Lafayette.
