When I was a little girl, whenever I took a bubble bath, I always would want to rub the soap suds or squirt shaving cream all over the tile walls surrounding the bathtub. I would pretend I was Cinderella, singing and wiping the walls off, like in that one scene in the animated movie when she is washing the vast tile floor in her stepmother's house. Oh, the imaginations and games of a young girl, ha!
I remembered this little game I used to play one day this past week as I was washing the tiles floor of the sanctuary at Iglesia La Luz Carapungo.
As I was smiling to myself, reminiscing, the Lord spoke to my heart in that moment.
I realized that wanting to clean things up is a heart pattern of mine. God has given me an extremely intense heart full of mercy and compassion, this I know. But with this so often comes the desire to want to fix everything, to make sure that everyone is okay. Because when other people hurt, I hurt inside. When someone is is clearly carrying something, I am almost at unrest inside until I know everything is okay.
And this is absolutely NOT a bad thing, it can be a difficult gift to live with sometimes.
The Lord is teaching me that while, yes, He distinctly has told us to bear one another's burdens and to mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those who rejoice, etc. He also tells us to cast our cares on HIM. After all, it is Him who is working in us in the first place. So it is not our duty to carry everything ourselves, but to pass them off to Him and to do with as He pleases.
I am learning the balance between these things.
I am learning how to love my team and my squadmates well.
I am asking God for the discernment and understanding to give someone a consoling word or inquiring about their situation, versus sitting back and just letting them know that I am there if they need me.
I cannot fix everything, nor should I.
Each and every one of us are in different places in our walks with Jesus, and in different situations for good reason. God uses circumstances to continue to shape and mold us into the beautiful creation He intends for us to be. I definitely never want to be a hinderance in the growth of my brothers and sisters, even if my intentions are good.
I feel Him telling me, it is OKAY to not be okay.
This is also something I am learning in my own personal walk…Through some wonderful conversations I have had with one of my teammates of late, I have realized how much I have not given myself the space to acknowledge when I have been hurt in my past, and in a way gotten that out and expressed it in some way, shape or form. But I would instead not give much thought to the matter, not desiring to bother anyone else with my issues. I have always been the one that everyone comes to with their problems and ventings; I am the listener. Which in no way to I want to discount that, I absolutely love that, it is my favorite thing in the world to just be there and listen. But I suppose from that I always felt like I should be the almost "strong one" and I guess put other people's problems before my own?
I am now growing in the fact of knowing that my junk does matter.
What is bothering me or on my mind (not even in a negative way, the good stuff too) counts and I don't have to resolve it myself. I have a community that loves me and wants my opinion, wants to help me process, and longs for my growth, as I long for theirs.
I think that is one of the most beautiful things about the race, learning to walk in community, to give grace, to LOVE well, no matter what.
Team doulos with our ministry contacts this month, Efren, Monica and their beautiful daughters Mishelle & Renata
So, now I know that not everything is going to cleaned up. Not everything should be.
God knows what He is doing in every situation, and my role is grow in being uber sensitive to His Spirit.
Some of that tile just may have to be left unscrubbed for the time being.
