“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. You will live in the land I gave to your forefathers; you will be my people and I will be your God.” – Ezekiel 36:25-28
“Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west? ‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been come rising up in me again – in the arms of your mercy I find rest, ‘cause You know just how far the east is from the west: from one scarred hand to the other.” – Casting Crowns, “East to West”
Today is my 26th birthday.
I am writing this from Cornesti, Moldova, where this morning, I brushed my teeth and washed my face outside in the 30 degree cold because there is no running water in the house I live in. After that, I used the outhouse where I peed into a hole in the ground. So far, I’ve spent the day working on my ministry for this month – designing brochures and taking photos, with little lovely birthday surprises thrown in here and there from my teammates. But mostly, it’s just a normal day here on the World Race. Of course, normal on the Race is completely different than back home, therefore making this birthday much better than any that I’ve spent in the States.
Lately, as I’ve been thinking about another year of life given from God, the word “new” has been coming to mind. At 26, I am actually one of the older people in my squad. Many of my comrades are fresh out of college, whereas I have been out in the working world for a few years.
That being said, you’d think my prayers as of late would come from a place of maturity and dignity, considering my ripe old age among all these young whippersnappers. You might assume that I have it all together, that I’ve matured so much in the last few years that I couldn’t possibly need to learn anything while on the Race; just impart my own wisdom instead. You’re probably saying to yourself that, since I am now officially on that dreaded OTHER side of 25, I must be comfortable in my own skin and content with the state of my relationship with Jesus.
Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Can I get a little real with you? Promise not to judge? (I mean, come on – you can’t judge a girl on her birthday, right?)
I need a new heart. A new frame of mind. A fresh perspective. I’m not anywhere close to the place I would like to be in my relationship with Jesus. In fact, in the last few years, I’ve felt distant from Him, removed and ostracized. Cold-hearted and unsure of myself.
I can’t tell you how it started or where it came from, but I’m ready for that season of my life to be over. I’m ready to see Him like I’ve never seen Him before and pray like I never have before and to not recognize myself anymore, that the distance between me and my old cold heart is like the distance between the east and the west.
And I think there is no better time or place for this to happen then on the Race. So pray that I will have the maturity (you know, since I am 26 and all) to know that the uncomfortable times during the next 9 ½ months are softening my heart. That living in community is softening my heart. That ministering to the people He loves is softening my heart.
And that as the months go on, my stone cold heart will be softened so much that it will become a heart of flesh, just like He has promised to give me.
