Then He will give us hope – hope that stretches is (where worry bent us) and faith – faith that sustains us (where greed smothered us) and love – love that is at the bottom of our deepest desires, the loss of which is at the root of all our fears.
-Rich Mullins, "The Sound and the Worry"
Well, folks, after months of anticipation, my squad got our launch date today:
September 6, 2011
This is serious now, friends. You know. This whole traveling around the world thing, spreading God's love and being stretched to my limits. It's happening. And in just over a month, nonetheless.
I'm excited. Another adventure. Being reunited with my squadmates. Loving the people around me (my team) and the people I meet in ministry and day-to-day life. And, of course, getting my photojournalism on.
But let's be honest (because I have a feeling this blog is going to get REAL honest REAL fast once I am out in the field)…I'm worried.
Yep. There it is.
My old friend Worry, creeping up to say hi and pretty much suck the life out of me.
Here's the thing you should know about me and Worry: we go way back. I truly believe that each one of us has a little demon or two that follows us around 24/7 (at this point, everyone reading this should immediately go to their nearest bookstore and buy a copy of "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis AND. READ. IT.). For some people, it's Gossip. Others are constantly followed by Addiction. Some people have a whole gang of demons that doesn't leave them alone for one second.
Worry may seem like a minor affliction to some who can easily manage it. For those people, Worry bounces off their skin and with a simple shrug of the shoulders and a prayer, Worry is banished from that moment, day or week.
But believe me when I say this: to those of us who are plagued with Worry and can't shake it, it is crippling.
As a child, I would worry so much about a comment I made to another student or something completely out of my control that I would literally worry myself sick to my stomach. There were many times I couldn't eat and couldn't concentrate because Worry was there, whirring crazily in my head.
Earlier this year, Worry came at me full force once again and completely knocked the wind out of me. He robbed me so much of my spirit that I didn't recognize myself anymore and had to visit a doctor to start taking anti-anxiety medication.
And now, with a tangible launch date in sight and the summer passing by more quickly than we can believe, my World Race just got real. And I can feel Worry at the ready, reminding me of all the bills I need to pay, things I need to pack, funds I need to raise, shots I need to get and parts of myself I desperately need to improve before I can call myself a "missionary."
So I am straining to hear that still small voice that is so elusive sometimes; that voice that reminds me that sometimes He allows us to get to a point of complete desperation because that's when He does His best work. And I can hear the smile in His voice, the smile that says "My dear child. We find ourselves here again, in this old familiar pit that Worry has dug for you. When will you learn that there is no place uglier than this pit? When will you learn that when you draw near to Me, you drag yourself out of the pit and into my glory?"
Someday I'll learn. But until then, He is gracious and kind. He takes care of me, whether I realize it or not. And I believe that He can work miracles and that all the things I need will be provided to me.
Oh, Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.
