Over the past week or 2 I’ve been experiencing bits of restlessness and just not really in the best of mood for some weird reasons. It was definitely brought up with my teammates, and I truly am Thankful to have them to talk to and just Word out my thoughts. I’ve found that expressing my thoughts and feelings of anger and frustration into words with other peers really does help…wish I had that when I was a kid.Â
In my past, which I feel I continue to relate too often and I don’t want to keep feeling as if I draw back to my past as an excuse, I have problems with saying irrational and senseless things while I am agitated. I spout out and say these stupid things, which do Nothing But make me look immature and one who can’t control their anger. After I say these things, I realize the stupidity of my words, regret them, feel embarrassed, and just feel looked down on from others at how ridiculous I had acted.
After this sort of came up, I Really wanted just Get that OFF Me, and what I’m talking about is specifically wanting the anger and frustration I seem to build up and lash out. Many things, such as feelings of rejection and forgiving those in my past have been graciously taken off my shoulders the past few years. However, I still struggle with…anger. I had been surely praying and asking God to just Take these actions and evil Out of Me. I Know I’m not the only one in this World who struggles with Anger problems and working them out, so this can easily be related to almost everybody who reads this.
We were blessed with a chance to come to the Penang House of Prayer (PenHOP) one morning, and this time of worship and prayer and alone time with God in this environment was So Re-Filling, I guess is the best way to describe it. During worship, I was just sitting there with All my thoughts and desires for God to just Get Rid of these issues I have basically been struggling with my Whole Life, Not Kidding. I Know that Resentment, Hate, & Anger are Not from Him, and I am Sick and Tired of how I act at times.
All of a sudden I visioned I was sitting on a bench somewhere. I don’t know where or remember exact details, and I was already sitting down in my chair so yea. Anywho, I was sitting there praying these things for God to take them away, when all of a sudden I feel a presence next to me. I glance over and it’s literally Jesus chillin’ right there. I didn’t freak out, but rather was calm and much more relaxed. In the vision I then just leaned up against his shoulder, because I really was weary of this ridiculous struggle against Satan screwin with my feelings and anger issues.
Just for a reality check I even kinda squinted my eyes open to see if I was actually leaning over, which I Wasn’t, yet I was Still feeling like I was seriously leaning on someone…pretty crazy awesomely weird. So, while sittin there chillin’ with Jesus I just asked em to please take the core of my anger away. Just Finish it Off. What He said was definitely what I was not expecting, but made complete sense to me. The entire time in His presence was So comforting..I mean Why wouldn’t it be? I’ll try to best word what Jesus said.
He Said: I cannot take out the core/root due to you being Human, since Adam and Eve and everything. Sin is in the World and is just apart of you. However, imagine you as a Being and everything in You is White. Just a Bright White, and somewhere in the White is a Black Speck. Now that Black Speck represents the Sin that is in each Human, and the White of course represents Me and the Trinity. Stop Focusing on that Stupid little Black Speck, and SEE All the White Around YOU. (I sat and thought on this for minute and then Jesus continued.) Now you can’t just sit here forever. You must Get Up and Go, and certainly remember I WILL be Right behind You the whole time. And Continue to Pursue Me.
This Entire time I’m just taking it All in. The illustration Jesus told me made Complete Sense. I understand that while I am solely aggravated on a certain occasion or circumstance I focus on it for Way too long. What I’m focusing on is the Black Speck and so my thoughts turn dark and I begin to get more and more frustrated and angry about whatever it is. I Need to STOP focusing on Whatever is making me angry and see the Whole Spectrum. See the Bright White around it, and how Great God still is even in whatever situation. Yes, I do understand applying this to future situations and real life is gonna be tough, but I Know I can do it for God’s with me right?! YEA! Duh
I thought on another example for this illustration and it totally works too. Lets take Greed and Envy. If one continuously focuses on gaining money and possessions and not Snap out of being focused on that Stupid little Black Speck, they Don’t See the Whole realm of it and see how that they’re just so focused on ways of the World, a.k.a. Satan/Sin.
Also, near the end Jesus tells me I have to get up and GO. God gives us the World to go forth into and bring His Glory, yet we can’t really do that if we Sit and Pray the Whole time. Of course I’m not saying that is Bad, but we Got to Get Up and Go with What HE has told us via visions, scripture, and commandments.
To be completely honest, I have No clue Why I’m getting these so many more visions and thoughts from God. I feel that the more I Pursue HIM and ask for gifts, such as Prophecy, Healing, Visions, etc.. Then He will grant them unto us even more. Thus Strengthening our Faith and Belief in HIM, because we can Certainly tell people WHY We know HE is REAL.
