On my very first night of training camp, (back in October),
I made a huge realization. For
whatever reason, I felt like God was telling me to get up in front of everyone
(over 100 people) and make an announcement. With heart beating and sweat forming, I grabbed everyone’s
attention and let them in on a little secret. “Hey guys, my name is Brian and you should all know that I
am a really selfish person.
I care way too much about what everyone else thinks of me. In fact, even the times I am doing nice
things, I am probably doing it because I want people to think of me a certain
way. In reality, I’m incredibly
self-focused and have lived most of my life to create an image for other people. Most of the time, I’m selfish, loveless
and unbelievable prideful.�
I decided that I didn’t care what other people thought and
that my new motto for the year was “For God’s Eyes Only.� I felt immense freedom and basked in
that candor for a short while. As
time progressed, I fell back into my old habits and began falling into the same
old temptations. Temptations to
feel like I was special, or smarter, or better in some way (no matter how
insignificant). Temptations to win
the approval of others and have them feel a certain way about myself.
In Cambodia (April), after my team change from M:10 to
Ridiculous, I experienced a revival and once again was trying to live for God
and stop worrying about how I looked before men. If you haven’t read it, you should definitely read
this (Warning Contains Pornographic Material). Its without a doubt my most
power and vulnerable moment of my life.
Even if you have read it, it would do you some good to read it again.
This freedom lasted for awhile, but by the time I made it to Africa, I had
fallen back into my old ways yet again.
This past week, I came to the realization that once again,
many of my problems are stemming from the same problem of trying to impress
others”–the same problems I thought I’d fixed back in October at training
camp. That’s right, my current
struggle is still the same problem I had before I even started this mission
trip. Despite a year of trying to
grow into the person God wants me to be, of doing my best to emulate Christ, of
distancing myself from worldly endeavors and living 24 hour ministry, I am
still struggling with the same old crap (pardon my language).
Its taken me some time to realize that I probably will be
struggling with these problems for my entire life. There is no easy fix to things like
lust, pride or selfishness. Its
only by God’s grace and by staying close to him that I can overcome these
struggles for even a single day. So I
have accepted the fact that I will never be this super-Christian who has it all together. I will never master my character
deficits. But although I will
never officially win the war, I can win my battle each day. By God’s grace, I can succeed in the
small things and although I may never conquer pride, selfishness and lust, each
daily triumph is still a victory.
God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He doesn’t expect us to have it all together. All he really wants us to do is try to do the right things internally, (being loving) and as long as we are trying, any good fruits that result externally are undeserved blessings.
(I should probably go into some more depth, but, its my Bday so instead I’ll go out and celebrate! Too be continued…)
