There is something that has been plaguing my heart and mind for the past two months and it’s gotten to the point where it’s overwhelming my mind and I have to get it out. I entertained the idea of writing to everyone I’ve ever been friends with to apologize to them but realized that would take the better part of the Race, so instead I went with writing this blog and hopefully it’ll suffice.
God has been revealing to me that for the past 10 years or so I’ve had what’s called an orphan heart. I haven’t sought my affirmation and love from God and instead search for it in all the wrong places. This could be through romantic relationships, numbing myself with movies and internet, and distancing myself from having true deep friendships with people who care about me. I have a heart that feels like it belongs no where so I go searching in all the wrong places and not to the One who can actually fill my orphan heart.
God has been working overtime in my heart to fix this and I’m finally letting Him in. For so long I completely ignored His attempts at fixing my heart and kept running to relationships to fill that hole. This also manifested itself in very superficial relationships with my friends. I never went deeper with any of you because I wasn’t allowing anything into my heart and certainly didn’t love any of you with the love of Christ because I hadn’t let Him in either.
This blog is a plea for forgiveness. I have already made amends with the One who loves me most but now I must with everyone else who loves me. I’ve never gone any deeper with any of you. I’ve never truly asked how you are doing and never expect anything other than an “I’m good” answer. I’ve never loved any of you so deeply that it hurts because I fear letting anyone in that far. I’ve never called you out in areas you could improve and grow; doing it out of love as Christ would. I’ve put girlfriends first before loyal friends, thus alienating you. I’ve always put on a fake smile as if everything is a-okay when really it isn’t. Sure, we’ve had lots of fun times but I’ve never been anything more than superficial. And for all this, I ask forgiveness. Through all this you all have stuck with me even though I know a lot of you have noticed these things in my life. 
When I return home from this Kingdom journey you’ll notice a big difference in me. God has eradicated the superficial me and replaced it with an all encompassing love and desire to move past the outward appearances and go deeper. I hope that this will take our friendships to a whole new and exciting level. So to all my friends from church that I’ve known my whole life, to my friends from Disney, to my theater friends, my friends at my various jobs, my friends from Grand Valley and Delta, even all the adult friends in my life, and anyone else; I’m sorry.
I can’t wait to see where our friendships go when I return and any new friendships I may make. I love you all so much; I hope you all know this to be true despite my behavior and attitude in the past. It’s amazing the work God will do in you when you ask Him, and I’m so very thankful He revealed this area in my life now and not on my death bed someday. I encourage everyone to look deep into your heart and if you feel like you too have an orphan heart to confess that to God, apologize to those wronged, and begin a new work through Him.
