I was open today to a lot of thoughts. I wanted to run from these thoughts.
I dodged.
I ducked.
I hid.
Alas, I am tired of running.
What will this world race mean to our marriage? Will we end the year in regret?
Why would you, Lord, call us to this place? Are we strong enough to endure this?
Is making the decision to go, placing ministry before my family (our marriage & the financial stability for our future kids)? If so, is that wrong? Could I be wrong? Could this be wrong?
I worked today. And then I worked some more. I even read discussion forums about the TV show Lost. I found anything I could to avoid the questions circling my mind.
We have been married now for 1 year 3 months and 14 days.
We had tons of great plans for after the wedding. We would move. Be just the two of us in a new city. We would explore together. We would grow together. Just us. Just for a short time. Maybe a year, maybe two. We would pay off all of our debt and with in two years we would pay of the house we still own in South Carolina. We would then make one last move to settle and start a family.
Oh how our plans can change.
Two months after our wedding I lost my job.
Employment was hard to find.
I took things into my own hands and started a wedding video business.
Somehow months flew by and next thing you know it’s Christmas and we still lived in South Carolina. We were falling behind in our bills and dodging the collection agencies phone calls. It was during this time I was confronted in prayer by a question.
“Will you follow me wherever I send you or will you follow your own lead?
“What?”
“Will you choose to follow me or will you choose your wedding business?”
Ouch!
I didn’t expect that one. I hadn’t realized that I had been so focused on building up my “empire” I had walked away from pursuing God’s plan. When I heard this question it was very easy. My response was quick and simple.
“I will follow you!”
With a sudden snap back to reality I knew the path ahead of us.
Well, kind of…
Leave your business and go on missions.
After months of seeking and praying I heard soft and clear, “Go on The World Race.”
I was certain of everything in that moment.
Doubt was nowhere in sight and confusion had died.
This lasted for about a month.
This brings me here. My mind is shamed into doubt and worry.
I have given an ear to words and thoughts not of my own.
I have given a foothold and now am in struggle and fight to get it back.
Back to the questions…
Back to Prayer.
Lord, I know you are sure. I know you are right. I know you can be trusted.
And I need you more than ever.
I know you have called us to this journey.
To this assignment…
And I need help in my times of doubt.
I will listen for you voice in everything I do.
Please forgive me for losing trust.
I will remember the promise even in sight of worry.
I need a whisper. In your greatness I need to be reminded.
I pray. I pray.
