It’s been two weeks since I left India.. and I’ve been struggling with what to write or even say about my experience there last month. It was definitely a struggle for myself and even my team, but that was not the case for other teams or people I know who have visited India. They all had nothing but great things to say about the country, the people, and the culture. I even remember hearing from other teams about how great they thought it was and thinking it was a joke, because we seemed to be experiencing the exact OPPOSITE of them in every way possible!
But I have to be honest.. Being out of India now for the past two weeks I am looking back and seeing more positives and moments where God was present that I didn’t see in the moment. Granted, there are still moments of frustration [sorry I’m human] but I’m working through them. So what started originally as an “I hate India” blog, I want to turn into more of what God taught me last month instead.
First: I PREACHED! Yes, Brianne Legan, who loves to talk, but at the same time DESPISES public speaking – Got up in front of as many as fifty people and shared not only my personal testimony but the Gospel of my Lord and Savior. I knew that was part of the World Race, but also knew there was other ways to serve. I truly expected to hide in the background holding babies, and passing that torch off to others who found that as more of a strength. Clearly I was wrong in that thinking.
I still remember the first time I got in front of a group – my nervous twist from side to side, shaking the paper so much I had to set it down on the podium. But then the last time speaking I was truly speaking God breathed words that not only got through to the people listening, but to me as well. It broke my heart to the point of tears. It is amazing to know God can even use words from my own mouth to reach me and remind me of His goodness.
Second: Apparently I am STILL a people pleaser! Shocker.. It’s something I’ve always known about myself, but something I wanted to work on this year. I am realizing that it is something that I will probably have to work on my whole life. I don’t even think it is always a bad thing.. I just truly want everyone to be happy all the time! However, it does become a problem when I am not happy, but still putting on a [fake] smile to try to make everyone else happy.
But even more than that, I let the emotions of others somewhat determine my own. I can’t lie.. our month was hard! But while others around me struggled finding more positives than negatives I began to fall into that trap as well. I kept up a good front for the first two weeks, but finally just broke! I see now that when I should have walked away and gone to the Lord with my concerns I let others feed into me their emotions. Needless to say, God and I are working on that one!
Also: How easy it is to let negativity consume all good. One of my main personal goals for this year of my life was letting go of negativity! That included not letting negative thoughts consume my mind. Let’s just say I failed miserably at that last month! Which leads me to my next point..
The importance of prayer! Not just prayer, but repetitive prayer! We can pray and pray for something to change, but often times when it does we gradually forget to continue to pray for it. And that is exactly what I did last month. And that is exactly when Satan attacked. Thankfully God has opened my eyes to that, and I am making it my mission to not let that happen again here on the field.
Lastly, God has really opened my eyes to my selfish motives behind this Race. Yes, I believe all the good ones where there too – to grow spiritually closer to God, to help “the least of these”, and to be a disciple as Christ called us to be. However, the idea of traveling around the world was of course something I’ve always desired to do. I would day dream about the beautiful people I would meet, the amazing sites I would see, and being able to check off a great number of things off my bucket list – climb a mountain, work in an orphanage, and even color a map with all the countries I’ve been in.
I was ready and prepared for all the great and amazing things God had in store for me, but was I really ready for the hard times? For the times I went without sleep or had my sleep interrupted multiple times a night? For the stares, laughs, and rude comments? Living in community TWENTY-FOUR SEVEN? And more than anything the struggle and fight it would be to have time with God everyday?
After my month in India my heart was hardened towards it. But as time has gone by God has began to open my eyes to things and lessons He had for me there. I have this feeling God is preparing my heart for something – I don’t know what exactly, but it definitely involves me and India. Could it be God wants to bring me back there to let me experience India in a different light? Or to get involved in a ministry there? I have no idea.. but all I know is if God asked me two weeks ago if I would go back I would throw a fit saying, “I don’t want to go back!”, but now.. even if it’s not the most appealing thing to me.. I have to say I would be much more willing.
I guess my point behind this whole rambling session is that God will bring us places, or put us in certain situations that we aren’t thrilled with, but there is always a reason. God let me experience bonding with my team I don’t think I would have experienced if the situation was different. God showed me the love and hard work of the nine little boys at the youth hostel in the church we stayed at. And more then that God gave me the opportunity to let go of struggles I’ve dealt with a majority of my life.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according tot his purpose. -Romans 8:28
So thank you God for my month in India. Thank you to my team, Unfading Adornment, who supported and loved me through that tough month. Thank you to everyone back home who even if they knew I was struggling or not was there to encourage me and lift me up. I have no doubt that good came from last month, and even better things are to come in the future!
XoXoX -Bri
