The World Race was right around the corner. I was reading blog after blog trying to see what I should and shouldn’t pack. And then a thought entered my mind.. What am I going to do with my hair?! My curly, FRIZZY hair.
Seriously?! Something that is so small in the grand scheme of things, but a thought I let consume my mind for weeks leading up to the Race, and even months into the Race. I am coming to an end of my fifth month on the field and this selfish, self-centered thought still consumes my mind.
Leading up to launch I willingly dropped things looking back I would have loved to have, but decided to bring an extra thing of mousse and hairspray instead. WHY?! Well.. let me explain a little bit. In fourth grade I cut my hair.. and it was SHORT! I thought I looked like a boy, and hated it. Thinking at the age my only beauty came from my hair..
As time passed my hair of course grew out, but from that point on I always had long hair. In eighth grade I got a straightener, and from that point on I wouldn’t even leave the house without straightening my hair. It made me feel prettier. And it didn’t help that my friends and boys at school would tell me how pretty I looked with my hair done. I never got those comments when I didn’t do my hair. And that has lead up to this point..
I am now 25 years old. A missionary on the field for 5 months already, with 6 more ahead of me. I am serving God and loving His beautiful children. I am learning about myself, and growing day by day in my relationship with my Savior and God. But here I am.. still consumed with what my hair looks like.
In these hot humid countries, without my straightener, my hair is what I would consider a hot mess! It’s been too hot to mousse it and leave it down, which leaves me with braids or buns. But even that wasn’t enough.. it had to be sprayed and tight so that it wouldn’t friz. Ugh..
And then the thought came to me.. “When is enough enough?!” What thoughts entered my mind more? “What can I do for God and to further His Kingdom?” or “Ew, I bet my hair looks gross! That person gave me a wierd look, I’m sure it does!” But that is NOT why I came on this trip!!! And so I knew I had to do something..
So I prayed. I prayed God would take those thoughts from my mind, but they still entered my mind often. I prayed that God would give me the confidence to not care what my outward self looked like, but I still did. I prayed that God would give me an answer of what else I could do.
I have to be honest.. before I even left for the Race God already told me He wanted to ruin the idea of what I thought of myself.. especially my hair. So finally He answered.. He said ruin it! HUH?!? Yes, ruin my hair so He could ruin these crazy thoughts I have let myself believe for so long. And so I did..
October 31st, Halloween day, I had my hair dreaded. It was a constant mess anyways, so that way I wouldn’t worry about what it looked like! Or so I thought.. but I was wrong. Now I was spending even more time “rolling” them so they didn’t get too frizzy or loose then when I was just pulling it back into a bun.
After having my hair dreaded now over two weeks I am seeing that there is nothing I can DO to let those thoughts go – even dreading my hair. It is a conscious effort I will have to make to truly seek God every day to take those thoughts, and to make the decision to not let them consume my mind. And so here I am.. hair dreaded, still struggling, but now I am beginning to get it!
I am letting go of letting what my hair looks like determine how I feel about myself.
I am letting go of only feeling pretty when I think I look pretty physically.
I am letting go of these selfish thoughts of me, Me, ME.
I am seeking my identity, beauty, and worth in my God and Creator who made me beautifully in His image and His likeness.
I know I still have a way to go.. but I am ready and willing to get there by God’s grace and love. When before I would dread going out to ministry or even taking a picture with someone because of what my hair might look like, I am now excited and ready for!
My future is planned by God Himself.. and He didn’t plan for me to have nice hair.. but for me to see His creation at it’s fullest, to see His love shine through a mother and her baby, to see His people celebrating Him in dance and songs of praise, and so much more. I thank God for all He has blessed me with, and I will no longer be a slave to those thoughts or feelings! Thank you Lord!
-Bri
