Praying has always been a tough thing for me. I know some of you just read that and said…"wait, what?" A girl who wants to go on a year long mission trip has a hard time praying?!
Ok. Yes. It's true. For a long time when I prayed I just didnt feel connected. I felt like I was talking to a wall, or the air. That sounds terrible, I know. And I have wrestled with it for years. I felt more connected to God through music than I did through prayer. I would cry and yell at God…am I doing it wrong?? Why dont I feel anything! In church during prayer I would find myself looking around or thinking about where we should go after church to eat. I didnt have the connection. And for a long time, it made me mad.
Lately, especially since being accepted to The World Race I have been told to pray. Pray about everything. There is power in prayer. Well, imagine my frustration when I felt more blocked off from God when I tried to pray.
Today however, it hit me. I voiced concerns about money raising and going on the trip to my mobilizer…ok more like I had a full blown meltdown. She told me "For tonight, forget about your support account. Forget about money. Go home and spend some quality time with God." When I first read it I thought, okay. I guess I'll try.
Tonight as I sat in bed attempting to pray, my mind started to wander as usual. My eyes strayed across the room to my bookshelf…and there it was. His answer. "The Help" (a book) was sitting on the shelf. In the book Abelene writes her prayers to God.
and the angels started singing.
I opened my notebook, grabbed a pen..and for the first time in what feels like years…I had a conversation with God. I wrote my prayers to him, and the words flowed freely. Before I knew it I had four pages of prayer. It was unlike any prayer I had ever had before. Instead of asking the Lord to help me with this and help me with that and urge people to support me…I was thanking Him. And the list was so long. I have so much to be thankful for.
What I was shown tonight is that people are indeed right. There is POWER in prayer. I just needed to find the way to do it where my mind was concentrated purely on the Lord. and He showed it to me.
After writing my prayers, I lay face down with my head buried in my hands. Trying to listen to the Lord. To let him answer me instead of rushing off to do something else after I got done praying like I usually do. It took a few minutes…and I had to keep quieting my mind…but then I heard it. I head Him.
"You are loved."
I kept waiting for more.
and then there it was again.
"You are loved."
I thought to myself, I hear you God. I hear you. What else?
"You are loved."
and then it hit, that is exactly what I needed to hear. and God knew it. At that moment God was telling me to sit still and listen.
Because I am so incredibly loved.
He knows what we need. We can pray all we want. I can scream at him and yell. It was when I sat down and finally listened to what He was saying. He pointed that book out on the shelf, He told me to write to Him. But He also needed me to listen.
Ive realized that all this time I have been praying to God asking him for the things I need. The things I want. When really, all this time I should have been saying…
"Hello Lord. What do YOU need me to do? Because I finally understand…what Jesus needs is what I need.
