I was overwhelmed.
I was sad.
I was angry.
I was confused.
I was exhausted in every way.
Training camp was more than I could have ever expected. I had expected to meet a bunch of people I wouldnt be able to remember. I expected that I would probably only get a long with a few of those people. I expected to do some singing to God. I expected to pray to God. I expected to learn about some countries. I expected to be really ready to go home when it was all over.
What I didnt expect: I didnt expect to fall in love with 56 people. I didnt expect to be crammed onto a school bus and forced to sleep there and love every minute of it. I didnt expect to laugh so hard that my stomach actually hurt. I didnt expect God to blow my mind. I didnt expect to actually hear God.
I didnt expect to feel so loved.
I went into the week feeling really skeptical. I was excited of course, but I was worried. What if I wasnt "christian" enough? Or what if I didnt know enough about the bible. What if I didnt pray like other people prayed? I know I have a lot of baggage. That was not something I was looking forward to taking with me to training camp.
But once again, God blew my mind.
What I learned at training camp is that God listens and He answers. He has such an overwhelming love for us. For me. Throughout the week I listened to my new family tell their stories.
Stories of heartbreak, addiction, sadness and pain.
They were broken, just like me.
I had secretly been worried for a long time that maybe I was doing this mission trip more for myself than for God. That maybe this wasnt where I was supposed to be.
I spent the entire week praying to God, more like crying and begging Him to show me where I belonged. In some of the worship services I would stand there and cry and cry because I didnt know what I was supposed to do. I was so mad that He wasnt answering me.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Food at training camp is a rareity. Literally. We were licking grains of rice off of the tables one day because we were so hungry.
So why on earth did one of my squadmates walk up to me out of the blue and hand me a piece of chocolate. Chocolate at camp is like gold. I couldnt believe she was giving me her chocolate.
Well, I opened that little piece of precious chocolate.
And on the inside of the wrapper was a saying..a saying straight from God.
"You are exactly where you are supposed to be."
I was instantly brought to tears. My Father had answered me. From that moment on, I was continually shown that I was where God wanted me. Whether it was random people coming up to me telling me "I just felt I should tell you God is going to use you in amazing ways this year." or the fact that my amazing supporters increased my account by $500 in four days while I was gone.
God is good. Jesus is amazing. I have never felt closer to God in my life. I feel happy, and free, and transformed. When you give it up to God, all is well. Even if at times it doesnt feel like it, He comes through.
Every. Single. Time.
Yes, I am a broken person.
A person with problems, and issues and some anger.
A person who has so much growing to do.
I am a broken person, but Jesus uses broken people all the time.
The people I will encounter this coming year are going to be some broken people.
With heartache and pain.
I am not going to fix them, or change them.
I am going to love them.
Like Jesus loves me.
Brokenness and all.
