These past few months I have had some very beautiful prayers, words, and pictures spoken over me.
I have been told that I am a wild child! Chasing after the Father in a way that would look reckless and crazy to all those around me. A ballerina coming unraveled and un-poised. Fearless! That I would know the Father’s heart in new ways. To fully experience the gifts He has given me. And one terrifying prayer that I would lose control.
I have been chasing and begging for all of these things separately over the last two months. I felt like I wasn’t making progress in any of these areas; which I recognize is a lie from the devil himself. It wasn’t until this last week at debrief that these all connected for me. I know… sometimes I’m slow to make connections. And He so sweetly brought to my attention that I may have an issue with control.
Praise the Lord! Revelation! Now that I know the issue we can handle it. I closed my eyes under the stars on our roof “Lord, rip it out from the roots!!” Nada. “Father, I want you to take the control from me! Burn it away and leave fresh soil for more of you!!” I felt nothing. “God, please take it away. I don’t know how to get rid of it.” He very gently over the next two days said “I won’t take it, I want you to give it to me”. He is a gentleman, after all.
Here I am trying to control handing over my control. I cried. “How do you even begin to give away control??” I cried out to Him. “Give your watch to Carla” he told me. That’s it? Done. Easy. So, why did I end up curled up in my mentor’s lap, sobbing moments after I handed it over? I cannot control the time, but I constantly need to know it. I hate to be late. My job was basically making sure other humans were on time and met deadlines. Why is this so engrained in me?
The first day after handing my watch over, I was late to a meeting. Like last person to walk in the room kind of late. It was a complete accident. I hated it. But the world did not end. Every time I go to look at my watch I say a little prayer thanking Him for being in control, laying it back down at His feet, and repent for trying to take it up again. It’s weird. But I am thankful to have a tangible way to start working through this one with Him.
This month we have a host, a set schedule, our housing was booked for us… so many decisions are being made for us and taken out of our hands. How sweet is He to take that over for me? It’s going to be an adjustment but I’m excited to serve our host and see what He has in store for us.
I wish I could wrap this blog up with a pretty bow but I can’t. We are just getting started on this one. I would really appreciate your prayers that I would look for my watch less, learn to let Him lead, and grow closer to Him through the process.
Also, be praying into our time in Cyprus working with refugees. I am trying to find the tension between guarding my heart and allowing it to be broken in the ways His is broken.
