I thought I was cured of people-pleasing after reading my Good Girl book, but apparently I’m not.
I don’t like caring about what other people think of me and trying desperately to measure up to their ideal. I don’t like my first knee-jerk reaction to be lying instead of saying what I really feel. I don’t like being so insecure in relationships that I’m jealous of other people spending time with my closest friends. I don’t understand people choosing other people just for who they are, not for a symbiotic relationship of needs met (also called codependency). Or rather, I don’t understand people choosing ME just for me. It makes me suspicious, makes me question their motives. I think I have to prove myself before people can like me. Probably because that’s how I treat them: always guilty until proven innocent.
I don’t want you to know this about me. I want you to think I have it all together, that I’m this super Jesus freak person who always feels fulfilled and is always serving others instead of myself. But guess what? NOBODY has it all together. If you see someone that makes you think they do, don’t believe them. Everybody has their own closet demons.
And after pondering this, I realized: I need to keep reminding myself of my value, and consequently, the value of those around me. We are worth beyond anything in this world. We are worth more than we can fathom. We are princes and princesses in a world not our own, meant for a life abundant beyond measure. Jesus cares about you for YOU, not for who you think you’re supposed to be, not for just your good points, and not for what you do or don’t do. Jesus doesn’t require you to prove yourself before He accepts you. He knows more than anyone else all the crap you’ve done and that you think about. Does that affect His love for you? Nope. And if you think you’ve done something He can never forgive you for, you’re trying to make your mistakes bigger than Him. It’s a pride thing. Ask me how I know. Guess what? Ain’t nothing or nobody bigger than He is. That’s just the way it is. There is nothing you can ever do or not do that will affect the way He feels about you.
So this is what I should do, not because I feel like I need to be accepted by God, but because I am already accepted by Him and I love Him: I need to accept His creation as He does. No one will ever sin against me more than I have sinned against Him. No matter what anyone does or doesn’t do to me, I want to accept them based on their own merit in His eyes. I have this awful passive-aggressive habit of waiting for people to give a crap about me before I give a crap about them. If everyone did that, no one would care about anyone else. I’m so used to being a consumer. It’s my default position. I’m so accustomed to waiting for people to seek me out and then blaming them when they don’t. I’m so used to taking care of myself and no one else.
In contrast, Jesus loved us when we spit on Him. He still loves us when we spit on Him. It’s una locura when you think about it (locura coming from loco, meaning crazy). He wants US, not what we can do or be for Him.
I’m so lost. I feel like how I’m feeling right now would have been me at the beginning of the race had I not consciously stepped out, chosen to be vulnerable, and to give a crap. Somewhere along the way, I stopped choosing to care. I want You to do something through me. I want You to love them when I can’t. I want You to reach out when I hold back. I want You to be honest when I lie. It’s not enough for me anymore, these wilted lies that we’re OK, these surface-level interactions, pretending like we always want to be here when there’s times we would rather be anywhere else. Waiting for other people to be the ones we know we should be. I am safe in You. I am found in You. You love me for who I am, but I don’t want You to leave me that way. It’s hard not to care about what other people think, but with You, I can. Change my heart, please. It is enough to be on an adventure with You, but You also called us to be unified in You. I’m going to step back in and care.
Take it. Take all of it. I’m done again. Please take it and make something beautiful out of this mess that is me. This beautiful deceptive mess. Help me believe You when You say I’m lovely, I’m worthy, I’m seen, I’m special, I’m a treasure, worthy of being cherished.
When did Your caring become not enough for me? When did I decide to search Facebook for caring instead of You? Only when I am fully satisfied in You alone will I be able to become the person You have meant me to be.
So bring it the crap on. I’m done with my own pile of bullcrap. I don’t care how hard it is. It might take me awhile to get used to it, but bring it on. This race ain’t over yet, and You ain’t done with me yet.
