I took a deep breath and stared into the stage lights that were emitting warmth into my already surging pulse. I fingered the guitar pick lightly and strummed a few strings, letting them ring for a moment. Then I moved the capo, gripped the pick tighter, and started to play. Pre-race, doing this would have been laughable. Now, it was scary, but my heart insisted on proclaiming what I did not know how to process any other way, through this worship music I had been learning for the past 11 months.
I waited until I had finished the first progression, and then I began to sing. That first note growled a little bit, like trying to eke out a chord from a piano whose strings had gone dull. Then, the more I sang, the more the music grew to fill the room. It took me a little while, but eventually I was singing as I had never sung worship before. Oh, how I had missed this, a community with no qualms as to how loud or how crazy they became while worshipping. No filters, no pretense, just raw, furious, love that you could feel welling up from your bones to scream adoration at your Maker. It was amazing.
When the last chord faded into silence, I felt drained, poured out on the ground like wine. I am bruised. I am weary. I have felt dull, like an old, dusty knife. I have been burnt out. But the person on that stage – that was me. The real me. The fire, the desperation, the ardent fervor – that was me. Someone I thought I’d lost for a while.
Afterwards, in the prayer room, I was told that this was a time of pruning for me. I thought, “So I’m not dying! I’m not dull! I’m just being pruned!” And then, words of life were spoken over me that I had forgotten in the fog of the last month. Prophecies were retold that the Holy Spirit had been trying to make me understand for the past ten years. And at the end, I realized:
This was not my end. Like they said, it was only the beginning.
It wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t a dream! It really happened! I really did experience My Love in a completely new way! I really did fall head over heels over face back in love with Him and I really am never going back! I didn’t fail. I didn’t backslide. I just forgot who I was for a while. I let circumstances, expectations, and culture determine my behavior and values. It’s not going to happen again. I really am brave. I really am courageous. I’m not dull; I’m a fire and I’m not going to dust myself with baking soda anymore. I really do have the Spirit of the living Christ inside of me. I really don’t have to care what others think of me. I am really free! I am really free! I do not have to be bound with this performance-based success-obsessed lifestyle! I am completely free to seek Him out relentlessly before anything else, and He will meet all my needs! I don’t have to buy culturally acceptable lies from hell! If you want to break chains, you have to live like there’s no cage for you. Because there isn’t. And whatever you are asked to give up, whatever you have to lose, is worth it for Him. I have Him. I can’t lose Him. Therefore, I have nothing to lose. I can’t lose. He has already won.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom
Hay libertad en la casa de Dios
You have to work hard to hold on to what you already know. What seems so clear in other countries where people can’t rely on material comforts is so hazy here. Hold on to what you know. He is the same here as He is in Latin America. It is we who change.
He is the song on my lips and the praise in my heart. I can’t manufacture fire on my own. He is my fire. He is my all. If I forget where it all comes from or try to replace Him with anyone or anything else, I will never be satisfied.
I can’t forget Whose I am. I can’t afford to compromise myself or douse the fire He has lit me with. I’m only me when I’m with Him.
More to come …
