pre-written
I feel rather wretched …
And I haven’t been myself all day today. My bag was really heavy, I couldn’t sleep in the van but took a couple of naps with my head down at a table, and I feel like I’m reverting to my normal childlike tendencies. And I’m still freakishly jealous because everything other people do and how close they get to each other somehow says something about me, that I’m not enough for them or that I haven’t made a good environment for them to seek me out. (And they really are seeking me out, taking me seriously, and being awesome to me. I’m just being rather ridiculous today.) I want people to pursue me, but I’m afraid when they do that they’ll judge me and find out who I really am. And I’m afraid that they will be right with their judgments. So I pretend I don’t care because I don’t want to believe them even though I already do.
When did my opinion become more valid than God’s? When did I say to God, “I know you say I’m enough and valued and not condemned, but you were wrong”?
God has shown me my identity in Him: that I am worth pursuing, being taken seriously, and getting to know. I’m blessed to have people, especially in this community, who recognize this. But it really doesn’t matter if anyone else on this planet cares because He does. He sets my value and He acknowledges and loves me. It’s nice when other people do too, but I don’t need their acknowledgement to feel wanted or valued anymore.
Maybe what’s wrong with this whole thing is that I’m a perfectionist and I’m afraid other people will believe what I already do about my character. I should stop judging and being critical of myself. I think I deserve it, but I am no longer under condemnation. I ought to give myself as much grace as He does.
Feeling better already.
