“Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do His will. And I know that I will not be put to shame.” ~Isaiah 50:7~
This race has not been like I expected. I thought that all the things I would learn would keep me from being distracted. Instead, I have to choose how to occupy my time and my thoughts. And keep choosing.
And mercy, am I struggling. I am so homesick. My teammate asked me why today–or the reasons beyond the obvious. And I realized that I like idealization. I like having the illusion that my supposed comfort zone in the States is something I can control when I feel pulled along by the threads of current in Latin America. I can have alone time in the States if I want, or I can go out and find people to hang out with. I can, within some schedule boundaries, do what I want when I want. I like the instant gratification of having Walmart and high-speed internet and cable TV and text messages. Everything you can buy conveniently within driving distance. I’m embarrassed to admit that I miss it.
Also, I’m tired and over-stimulated. Growing is hard, and it’s been 10 months of being in a pressure cooker of it. God promised me that He wouldn’t leave me like I was. He would raise me up to become more fully me. But the process takes so long and I want relief now. I see changes over time. For example, I can tell that I am connecting with people so much better than I was even a month ago. It’s hard, but it’s worth the slow process of being hurt, of my cup and my rough edges being deepened and sanded and smoothed like these yerba mate jars that we find in souvenir shops.
I don’t need to escape growth, and especially not when I get home. I need to let go of imaginary control. I feel rather lazy at the moment, like I need a rest. Which probably means that I’m trying to deal with life all on my own instead of letting Him take over.
I just need You, only You, and I need You to keep breaking my heart and wrecking me like crazy. I only have a month and a half left. And though it feels like an eternity, in reality it is a very short time. I want to keep choosing You. To do right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8). That is to know You.
Ministry in sewing class (I did the edging on that purple thing)
We found some kittens at the market
