I had sat in this room fifteen months ago, in another life, another time. Wide-eyed, frightened but expectant. Back when the race was still just a hope for the future, migrating slowly into the realm of possibility. Now the race is done, and I am expectant again: this time for rest and someone, anyone, who will understand what I’m going through.
After worship in music, freeing like I have not experienced in awhile, we waited. We needed release. We needed community in this intense loneliness. The speaker, familiar to me now, began to talk.
“People come out of the race sometimes with different problem. A lack of direction. Apathy due not to finding anything similar to the race. Bubble hopping – from one to the next. They want a comfy environment with similar thinking people where they can keep the fire alive. There’s a really small fire lit on the race, but you have to know what to do with it. And worse, others have abandoned their faith altogether.”
And so it began. Six days of working through what happened on the race. Of being reminded over and over again who we are. Of coming back to life again.
I have closed myself up in an impenetrable shell since coming home. I didn’t want to share. I hoped people wouldn’t ask me questions. The things God did and showed me on the race–I didn’t want the responsibility of opening myself up and sharing them. Being vulnerable.
After a prophetic word session, the two words my friend had for me were “forgiveness” and “vulnerability”.
Crap.
Another session said the following:
1. Keep the fire going that has been started in you. It is yours to manage and steward. It is a lot easier to keep going than to restart.
2. Salvation is a free gift; intimacy will cost you everything. Feed the stuff you want going, starve the things you want to die. Do the hard work of intimacy with the Lord. Hebrews=Jesus is better. You can have as much of God as you want but only as much as you are willing to pay the price for.
3. Find a place where people will push you to be the person you are created to be. And will not let you fall away. Do what you were created to do: make disciples, build kingdom, pursue Jesus. Feed the fire of your intimacy with the Lord so this DOES NOT HAPPEN.
Freedom. Vulnerability. Making sure it doesn’t die.
I’m gonna have to share even when it’s hard and doesn’t fit the status quo. I have to stop taking cues from anyone but my Daddy.
#bringiton
