Well, it has been a while since training camp in Gainesville (I know, I make great blog titles). I’m currently on a plane to Cambodia, and I’ve just been pondering what’s ahead and what’s behind. That said, I feel like God has put it on my heart to write this blog, and as the old mantra goes, better late than never.
Before I go into the wild, life changing journey that was World Race Training Camp for me, I would just like to preface this with the fact that I by no means understand everything I am going to share, and I am still working through a lot of it myself (which is part of the reason for the delay of this post). And I also want to make it clear that I am not a special spiritual person or a Bible scholar, I’m just a normal college student trying to figure out this thing we call faith. So as you read this, know that God, his Spirit, and his Power are not only real, but tangible and within reach to every one of us. And also, this is a long blog post, but please hang through to the end of it. I promise you it’s worth it.
So, it’s July 10th, and after figuring out how to somehow fit a week and a half’s worth of stuff, including camping equipment, into a single backpack, I set off with my mom to the airport. I hopped on the plane, and nervousness and excitement settled in. After landing in Georgia, I found my group and waited for the shuttle. Looking around, I realized this would be my family for nine months. “This is crazy,” I thought to myself. After sitting in crazy Atlanta traffic for a couple hours, we made it to Gainesville, much later in the day than I would have expected. By the time we got to the campground, we only had about 10 minutes to set up before we had to be at dinner. So, to the best of my ability, I set up my tent and threw my stuff inside, knowing later on I would have to clean up the mess I made.
After eating dinner, we went to the first of many “sessions” we would have throughout the week, where the main focuses of training camp were discussed.
To be honest. At first, it all made sense in my head, but there was no emotional response. I felt out of place, and was more concerned with simply processing everything that was going on. I knew one thing, I had to head back and clean up my sight. So, seeing through the light of my little headlight, I arrived to a mess of spiders, camping equipment, and clothes strewn all over the place. After tidying up, I realized that I had somehow already lost my phone. I trotted all over campus looking for the means to call my mom. Finding nothing, I wandered back to my tent, and hopped inside.
The moment is still fresh in my mind. I remember was sitting alone in my tent, too nervous to introduce myself to squad members talking outside, sweating profusely, overwhelmed by the roaring of crickets in the woods, feeling lost. I felt that I had lost my identity.
It’s hard to describe, but in that circumstance, I felt like I was removed from everything that I would typically identify myself with. Everything from my previous life held no weight. It felt like who I was didn’t matter. Being an engineering student didn’t matter. Being a mountain bike racer didn’t matter. Being a musician didn’t matter. Working at a bike company didn’t matter. Having supportive friends didn’t matter. Having a loving family didn’t matter. At that moment, I felt as if I was just the raw essence of Brendan. My soul was presented unencumbered by all of my accolades, accomplishments, and relationships. And I did not like it. I was left with one question racing through my mind: “What in the heck did I get myself into?”
But, I made a resolution in my heart to push through, to make it to the next day, hoping things would get better. They didn’t. I woke up early in the morning to the sound of tents rustling in the camp. The squad leaders voices carried over to my corner saying “Pack up your stuff, Bags on the tarp!” I thought to myself, “Surely they mean, like clothes and sleeping bags only, right?” Wrong. Tents started getting torn down, and I was already frustrated. I had just put this stuff up. But, I scrambled and tore everything down, stuffing my pack to the brim. Feeling tired, frustrated and hungry, I thought I could at least look forward to breakfast. But even that was a disappointment. We were given one plate of rice and eggs to share between 8 guys. I swear I left hungrier than I got there.
The day rolled on, and as the sessions went by, my attitude remained unchanged. I was met with some more measly meals and hot, humid weather. Evening came along, and with it evening worship. I was blown away by the atmosphere. Just walking in the room, it felt like I was hit by a wave. The music started and I looked around to see 300 people, hands in the air, jumping up and down, on fire for the Lord. They would be praying out loud, words coming out a million miles an hour. They would sing whether it was cued or not. They would even get up on stage and share “Something God told them” at that moment. I didn’t know what to think, all I knew was I don’t belong here, these people are crazy. But, I faked it and went along anyway.
Then, after worship, this man named Deon (from South Africa) hopped on stage. He started by confirming that he was not there to water down the gospel, to ease the potency of Jesus’ words or to tell us what we want to hear. This was not encouraging to me at this point. After that, he described the two things that he required from God in life:
- Show me you are real in my life
- Talk to me
I was immediately bothered by this, wondering to myself whether or not I had received those things from God. He then launched into his talk “The Cost of Discipleship.” One by one, He listed and described verses which support the phrase “Salvation is free, discipleship costs everything.” Matthew 16, Philippians 3, 1 Corinthians 5, each one hurt more than the last. He went to go on about obedience, but I had had enough. I didn’t want to give up everything.
I left that room feeling a near physical conflict within myself. I felt a palpable tension between two sides of me. I felt the side which loves God, the side which is content in nothing but His love and obedient to His call. But I felt, more than ever before, this other side of me which hated God. It was screaming all the time to run, telling me that I had made a terrible mistake. It sought to gratify my own pleasures and desires, and to trample on the cross. I realized at that moment that something had to change deep down in my heart. I realized that if there is someone you are truly in love with, you will give up anything for them, even in joy. But I did not feel that way. I was left asking myself, “Why am I not in love with God? What must I do to be in love with God?”
Well, the week push on, and I forced myself to push on as well. I was praying every day to experience a new love for the Lord, one I had never seen. Despite my discomfort, everything I disliked kept coming. More small meals, more sleeping outside, more long sessions, more early mornings, more bucket showers, more porta potties. I still tried my best to focus on sessions, to engage with my team, to worship, but I knew it just wasn’t in my heart. As the week wore on, we transferred in our focus from community to missional living, and finally to intimacy with God.
It wasn’t until the second half of the week, but I finally reached a breaking point. As we were standing in worship, I looked around at all the smiles, all the Racers jumping with joy, singing as loud as they could, and I just realized I couldn’t do that anymore. I was sick of singing words I didn’t fully mean, of pretending like everything was fine. I closed my mouth, lowered my hands, and started pleading with God. “Jesus, I want to love you, but I just don’t right now. God help me love you, help me feel your love,” I cried in my heart. I had hit a new low, and I felt lost, standing in a room full of people who I felt weren’t.
But then all of a sudden, everything changed. Out of the blue, my heart was filled with this indescribable joy, and this peace. My hands instantly shot back up, and my vocal chords were loosed. I began to praise out of the reality that God is good and that He loves me for the first time. At that same instant, my Team Leader Luke shot from the back of the room and laid his hands on me. He said that God had just told Him that He had an incredible gift for me, just that I had to give something up, and that I knew what that would be. And I did. I realized I had been carrying a selfishness, a pride that was separating me from God. He had to break me all the way down. He had to completely pour out my cup of filthy sludge to fill back up with His Holy Water.
And then came the gift. I saw a vision. It was an image. Up high in the mountains somewhere I saw these two brick stairwells, maybe ten feet wide each. On one side was a group of hundreds of people. They were clumped up with faces downcast, looking worn, trudging slowly up the steps, step by step. Then on the other side, I saw an empty stairwell. Them, a handful of people came sprinting up. They had massive smiles on their faces, waving each other up, excited to continue upwards. I knew in that moment that in my Christian walk up until that point, I was in that first stairwell. I had thought that life with Christ was somewhat bland and ordinary, and I went along with the masses to follow a weak faith. But the life Christ wants for us is full of so much more life, of joy and excitement. I felt like I was finally on the right path.
The message that night was one from Deon, and it was on forgiveness. He talked about the reality that we must forgive because Jesus forgave us. He said that forgiveness doesn’t free the guilty party, but frees us and allows us to live in the fullness of the Spirit. Everyone in the crowd was emotional, and Deon gave time at the end for leaders to pray for those who had to forgive. After praying with my leader, I came back to my seat and sat down. Sitting next to me was a girl on my squad who I for some reason had not really talked to yet in training camp. Her name is Emma, and she was crying to herself. I wanted to help, but I had already seen that she had been prayed for twice by separate friends already, so I figured that I should leave her be. I then heard a voice in my head. It said, “Pray for that girl.” I responded with a resounding “What??? What girl?” It said, “Pray for that girl sitting next to you.” I thought, “Really? I mean, like there is a lot of girls around. It could be a-“ and then the voice interrupted me, exclaiming “EMMA!”
“Okay” I said, can’t argue with that. After summoning up some courage I asked if I could pray for her, and she kindly said that I could. As I prayed for her, I realized that the words were just spewing from my mouth. Somehow, these beautiful sentences and verses I hadn’t thought of in years started flowing out of me. I said amen, and thought “Wow, that was pretty cool.” She said that that meant more than I knew, and that was the end of it for a while.
Later though, Emma approached me. She said there was something more she had to say. She said that the person she was laboring over forgiving was named Brendan. She said she had never met anyone else with that name before, and was honestly frustrated after seeing my name on our roster. She said that it was God’s gift to put her next to me that night, and associate something positive with that name. She thanked me and seemed so grateful.
Man, God is real. Crazy right? While I had heard of things like that happening to ultra-spiritual missionaries and soldiers of the Lord, I would have never thought something like that could happen to me. But that was not the end of my experience with the power of God that week.
Part of the training camp experience (at least for us) is the Man Hike. Sounds cool, huh? Adventures staff bussed all the men (not that many) to a trailhead about an hour away. It was a beautiful forested place, embellished with rocks and roots to spare. About a mile up the hike though, there was a change of plans. We were told our Team Leader and one of our squadmates (Drew) were no longer allowed to walk, they had to be carried the rest of the way. In addition, one member of the team would be blindfolded at our discretion. We made it up the mountain, but not without a cost. My good friend Christian on my team literally carried the squad (Luke) and hurt his back. He said that over the next day, the pain got worse and worse, to the point that he was having trouble standing in worship. Out of the blue, the speaker had the idea to pray healing over each other, so I laid hands on Christian, along with a few others, and we prayed for a restoration of his back. Later that night, he confirmed that the pain was completely gone, and he was relieved.
Man, God is real. Crazy right? But somehow, this still wasn’t the end of God’s proof to me of his reality at TC. Towards the end of the trip, one of the activities we did as a squad was “Prophesy circles.” Seeing it on the schedule, my first thought was “Ok, that’s enough…I think we’re getting a little carried away here. Surely this can’t be possible for us.” But, we went to our meeting spot and were informed to circle up in our teams. We were all told to close our eyes, and the leaders were to select a member of the team based on what God was telling them. Without knowing who was selected, we were supposed to listen in for what God had to say to the selected person and let them know. It felt as wacky as it sounds.
But, attitude is everything, so we gave it a shot. Closing our eyes, we waited for the Lord to reveal his word to us. I began meditating on his name, chanting “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” inside my head. Out of nowhere came an image. I saw a forest, thick and dark. Standing in the middle all alone was a figure, a man. I could see that part of his body was covered in light, the other darkness. He seemed to be stuck, lost, scared. But, brains are weird, and I figured it was just my brain being weird. I went back to my meditation, and didn’t say a word. Then, from across the circle, I hear my friend Travis describe the exact same vision, with only the addition of a path through the trees. My mind was blown. I shared my vision, and later the selected member of the team said that that was exactly how he felt at that moment. Caught in the woods, alone and nervous.
Man, God is real. Crazy right? But…maybe it was still a coincidence, an accident, right? After discussing the results of the first attempt at prophesy, we closed our eyes and waited on the Lord. After meditating for a second, I saw a pendulum- a wooden block swinging back and forth. Immediately the image switched to a Newton’s cradle, the individual balls swinging back and forth horizontally. I had some confidence now, so I chose to share. The member of the team it was for confirmed that his state of mind in much of his life had been one of inconsistency. He would swing his focus from one thing to another, only glancing at the Father in between. But he felt the pull of gravity back to the Father, back to his center, and that’s what this race represented. Wow.
But maybe it was another crazy coincidence, anything can happen, right? We repeated the process and I gave in to the fact that this probably wouldn’t happen again. I can’t be that lucky. But as soon as I closed my eyes, I saw the Hoover Dam in massive scale. On one side, the water was nearly overflowing. On the other, just a trickle. I decided to keep quiet, waiting on the Lord to confirm it meant something. Then from across the group I hear “I can see this image of a massive concrete container, filled with water, overflowing and nearly bursting at the seams.” I shared my vision, and the selected member confirmed that that characterized his relationship with the Lord in some ways. He had not been taking his feelings and issues to the Lord, instead relying on others. There was so much pent up in his heart that need to be released, and the pressure was immense.
Wow, I was blown away. God is so good. Up until that point, I had no clue that God still moves in power and signs in the modern day. I figured that it mostly happened in the Bible because times were different, or maybe people were just more spiritual then. And I had always figured that God’s peace, God’s joy is a general concept, not a tangible feeling. But I was wrong. God is real, God is good, and He still moves in power in the world. He has such big plans, and so desires to be with His children. And I hope this story can be encouraging, because I never would have imagined that I could be someone who experienced things like that. And since training camp, there have been trials and struggles, but I have become part of a whole new, beautiful relationship with God, and I have seen Him move in so many more ways than ever before. And even as I sit here, embarking on the biggest, most terrifying journey of my life, God has taken my fear and doubt and replaced it with joy and anticipation.
So no matter where you are in the world, in life, start believing that God is real. Believe He is real in your life, in your church, in your family, at your work, in your school, everywhere. He still moves in power, and His Kingdom is upon us. And if this all feels like too much, pray to experience this for yourself. The Bible says that the Father gives good gifts to those who ask Him. So continually ask him to see these things happen for you, and be willing to pour out your cup in order for Him to fill it back up. Because He will fill it.
Thanks for bearing through till the end, I know it was a lot. But I know this is important, and I know God is moving. Thank you all for your support in getting me on this trip, and I can’t believe it is finally happening. Please let me know your thoughts and prayer requests. I’m excited to keep sharing how God is moving in the world.
Let’s go.
PS I did make it safely to Cambodia. Updates will follow. Stay tuned. Tell your friends and your family.
