It’s a Process

Eleven days: How long I’ve been home.
Eleven months: How long I’d been gone.

Eleven years: How long it’s been since I first wanted to go on a mission trip.

 

There are also things that are pretty much the same as before (and on) the Race: I have a large family so “alone time” is virtually non-existent. If I really want to have a good cry I feel like I can’t because someone is likely to see me and start asking questions when I just want to be left alone. I have to fight daily to make sure that I have my personal time with God. The key to avoiding/solving most problems is COMMUNICATION.
                     

One of the most-asked questions that I’ve had since returning home is: “How is it being home?” Honestly I don’t really know how to answer that one. There were so many times on the Race when I thought that “at least people at home understand me and where I’m coming from”, but now I catch myself thinking: “how do I relate to these people when I’ve had a completely different experience this year?” My usual answer is that it’s been okay, or “the jury’s still out on that one”, or something like that; but at the risk of offending people, the real answer is that I didn’t want to come home (at least not to live) and I’m still not sure how I feel about being home. I’ve lived here for 22 years before leaving for the World Race. I know the ins and outs of my family and how they work, their personalities, their strengths and weaknesses, and how hard it can be to live here. I know that it’s not the environment I would choose in order to continue to live the way I want to and implement the things that God has been teaching me this year. I also know that this is where God wants me and has me right now and I’m going to try to make the most of it for His glory; it’s just not where I would have picked if given the choice.
Over the years God has shown me that it’s in my family where I can have the greatest ministry and impact; I just don’t always get a lot of support. My relationships with my siblings have been strengthened exponentially simply by my living at home for so long and allowing them to see me grow in my walk with Christ. There are things that I have learned this year that may need to be displayed in my family before I am ready to take them to the rest of the world; it’s just hard to see the big picture sometimes when all I see right in front of me are random pieces of the puzzle.  

 

Another question I have been asked a lot is: “What’s next?” Yup, you guessed it: I don’t know how to answer this one either! There’s a big difference between sitting in Thailand saying that I don’t know what God has for me next and that I’ll just be patient and wait for Him, and actually being home living out the “patient waiting”. I have some ideas of things I want to do. I have discovered some new interests and passions that I want to test out. I have also realized that I don’t like the idea of having a standard 8-5 job! (something that I may have to get over real soon…)
There are decisions that I need to make soon that could affect how my next year looks, but part of me doesn’t want to decide anything just yet because I’m still trying to appreciate the fact that I am now back with my family and friends and I want to take time to enjoy them instead of thinking about how soon I may be leaving them again. Long story short, I don’t know what my future holds, but I know Who holds my future! God has plans for me and they are good ones. He’s got me and I don’t have to worry about making the “right” decision or worry that I’m going to ruin His plan for me. I am seeking His will daily and I know He’ll lead me in the right direction. Praise God He’s my Loving Father!!!

                

It was just this morning in church that I realized just how important this year was to me in regard to community. We were singing “Mighty to Save” and I started thinking about all the worship times we had together and just how much like family worship sessions they were. Whether we were in a bar in Ireland, a church in Romania, a hostel in Turkey, a tent in Kenya, a “living room” in Cambodia, or a rooftop in Thailand, God was there! It’s weird to be in a big church where everyone is standing in rows, looking forward, and many are only singing half-heartedly when I’ve gotten used to a small group of people standing, sitting, walking, or kneeling before the throne of God, truly singing our hearts out to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and begging for the Holy Spirit to make His presence known.
I realized that even though there were times I didn’t really feel at home, J Squad became my family as the year went on. We knew each other. We loved each other no matter what. We held each other accountable. We were there to receive all we could from God in order to pour it out on the people of this world and on each other. We were a squad unified in worship and praise of our Father and that is why we became family. We were not satisfied with knowing about God, we pressed in to KNOW God even when it was painful. This is the kind of community I want and I am so privileged to have been able to experience it with J Squad.

             
(pictures by Sam Mongonia, Priscilla Cheng, and Brenda Benson)