Alis volat propriis is a Latin phrase that means “she flies with her own wings.” I loved this quote from the moment I read it and have been trying to decide where I want to get it tattooed (sorry mom!) but over this last week my heart has changed about what it means to me. When I first read it I remember thinking about how it directly correlates with my life and how I don’t need anyone to get by because I can do it on my own. I know I’m stubborn, competitive, loud, selfish, and many more things but I never would have called myself conceded. Ever. Until now.
I’ve only been in India 7 days and yet somehow I’ve had more revelations in those 7 days than in the last 7 months. I pray harder, worship louder and love deeper. I am relying on my teammates in ways I never have before. I’m even working out more days than I’m not! What triggered all of this change of heart? I would say it started when I hit rock bottom in Nepal. The problem with rock bottom is that you have two options: become comfortable there knowing you can’t fall any farther or you become motivated because you can only go up. I chose to become comfortable. It started off with me being in bed for a week because I was so sick. Then community living problems. Finally, I received news that a great friend of mine had passed away. Thaddeus was by far one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known and the idea of him not being there when I get home still breaks my heart. I honestly don’t think I will ever not hurt because of this loss. For those of you who don’t know me that well, I would have struggled with even just having one of those problems for the month. But God decided I could handle all three and some more small things along the way. He was so wrong. I couldn’t handle it. I regressed back to the Bre I didn’t like. The one who I said goodbye to at training camp.
We showed up to debrief in Kathmandu Nepal at the end of February with the rest of the squad and I never felt more out of place. For the first time in my life I felt like a negative person who couldn’t see the good in the day no matter what happened. And this just became more apparent to me while being around my friends on the squad. They love me and refused to let me keep thinking that way so prayer after prayer and hug after hug I started coming back. I stopped questioning why God was putting me through all of these difficulties and started to see how I can glorify Him through them. I realized God is not going to deliver me from every difficulty. He is not going to keep me from every challenge. If He did, I would never grow. The scripture says, “Our faith is tried in the fire of affliction.” When we’re in a tough time, that’s an opportunity to show God what we’re made of. So I decided to show him what I’m made of.
A few days later we arrived in India! From the moment we got here there was a fire inside me. A new fire for God, a fire for the culture and people, and a fire for the new person I was going to be. The enemy saw that and came at me hard and used my weaknesses against me. It’s hard to put into words because I’m still working through it. One thing I’m sure of, the enemy is scared of me and that is going to help fuel me to fight for what’s right. I’m being more careful with my thoughts that I allow to enter my mind. I’m not allowing myself to be entrapped and disillusioned by lies from the enemy. Instead I’m keeping my mind filled with God’s truth and I’m leaving no room for any negative thoughts that the enemy sends my way. I often remind myself of Joel 2:25 “God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is
faith.”
The whole point behind this chaotic mess is the Latin phrase I taught you at the beginning of this blog. Through these last seven days I have learned so much about myself that I never knew before. I would have never known that I wouldn’t be able to get through a hard time alone. That I would actually prefer to sleep next to someone when I’m crying. That I would want to talk through a hard decision. That I would actually want to hear the words out loud that I have been avoiding in my own thoughts. And most importantly, that I would let someone into my messy, sometimes embarrassing life. Yet all those things have happened in the last 7 days and I wanted them. So yes, I still fly with my own wings and will still get the tattoo (again sorry mom!) but the difference is that now I know that it is not just me who makes them fly.
My team has been helping me with this in ways they don’t even know. I proudly call these amazing 7 people my family now! God has given me three strong, beautiful, fun loving women who are always there when I need them. And if that wasn’t enough, he gave me four crazy, hilarious, spiritual, protective men who want nothing but the best for me. The last week has been an emotional roller coaster but one thing is for certain that when I am with these amazing brothers and sisters in Christ, I feel like everything is going to be ok. Better yet, It is going to be great. I know this because the Holy Spirit is with us!!
Until Next Time!!!
For what it’s worth it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
