I’ve been trying to write this blog for a few days now. I wanted to share my training camp experience with you all but the words weren’t coming to me. Training camp isn’t something I can put into words because for me it was felt. Everything that happened over those seven glorious days was felt deep inside me. I even had my first conversation with God. Maybe I should start at the beginning of the week.
I went into training camp with what I thought was an open mind at the time. Little did I know my world was about to be rocked. I’m going to do the best I can to describe what was going on with me during those seven days without giving away too much for future racers. It was day one and I was all settled in and we were on our way to worship. Adrenaline was flowing so fast because all my questions about what was going to happen at training camp were about to be answered.
The first moment I realized I didn’t have an open mind was when Bill opened the service with a prayer. Before he started he said “please pray however you pray”. I opened my eyes and looked around…ummmm what?!?! You mean to tell me you can pray another way besides folding your hands and bowing your head?? Strange. But throughout the week I stopped thinking so much about what I was “suppose to do” and started doing what I “felt was right”. It felt amazing to let go and let God.
The next moment was my favorite of the whole week. We spent 30mins processing and grieving alone in our journals. When the time was up we were told to get in groups of 6 to talk about what we had just discovered. What do you mean? I am NOT talking about any of this with strangers!! As we sat in our circle I began to feel overwhelmed with love, trust and the urge to share my deepest secrets with these five strangers. As I sat there and took in their worries and fears, I fought back the tears. They were being so honest and vulnerable trusting me to be their safe haven. I broke in that moment and couldn’t hold in my tears any longer. I stopped fighting this idea I had become to believe that vulnerability was a sign of weakness. In that moment I realized that a vulnerable person is actually very strong. I prayed so desperately to God to give me the strength to confide in my squadmates. In this session I did not share my story.
It was in worship that night that I had my first conversation with God. I’ve spent countless hours talking to God but I never had a conversation with Him. We were singing a song and the lyrics were “you make me brave, you call me beyond the shore into the waves”. At first I was humming, then singing, then pleading to God to take me out into the waves. I was in a room of at least 200 people but in that moment it was just me and God. In that moment He took me out into the waves and showed me there was nothing to fear because he was going to be with me the whole time. Also that my brothers and sisters in Christ were there with me as well.
As soon as worship was over that night I tracked down the five people from my group earlier and shared my story with each of them. It felt amazing to share my vulnerability/fears with my brothers and sisters and to be comforted with unconditional love and prayers. It was later in my tent that I realized those five people created my first truly safe place. They held my hand as I stepped off the shore and headed towards the waves for the first time ever…
I could sit here and tell story after story about how God showed up time and time again all week through my squadmates, mentor and leaders, God just kept showing up and it was amazing. I honestly felt like I was going to explode with love. But this would have all been missed if I wouldn’t have opened up. I owe my progress to everyone at camp. Whether you listened to me process, prayed for me, shared a tent (yay Stefani), gave a passing smile or a comforting hug. I wasn’t ready to let go of the old Bre, honestly I didn’t know I needed to, but everyone made a safe place so that I could.
That’s why I was so confused when we were leaving that we were told to stay focused because the devil was going to come at us hard the next few weeks before launch. I didn’t believe it. But within 24 hours the devil was pursuing me and harder than ever. Just when I thought I was going to throw in the towel and surrender to him, I remembered my sisters and brothers. I didn’t want to let them down. I wanted to say proudly at launch that I stood up tall for God.
Until next time!
xoxo
