When imagining serving as a missionary, I never imagined that I would be treated as a celebrity.
Celebrity? Missionary?
Yes, you read that correctly.
That was my first reaction when I began to encounter this.
“You want to interview us on television?”
As if having cameras in your face constantly as you worship wasn’t enough, we found ourselves ushered in to be the spotlight of the church service. It almost felt like we were a trophy to be shown off by the local pastors.
Look at us! We have AMERICAN missionaries sent here to our church!
I understand the culture of honor, as I have attended a church where we give a standing ovation for each speaker about to grace the stage. But in the Western Church where ministries can practically be worshipped more than Jesus, it felt strange to have photo after photo taken of us with people we did not know, simply because we were the IT thing happening.
God has had me in a season where He has been humbling me. I actually enjoy public speaking and doing ministry in front of people. But He began to convict my heart and expose some hidden motives of me desiring the praise of men over His praise. I didn’t want to be like the Pharisees Jesus rebuked for their showy prayers and extravagant giving. They were seeking to be seen as the “Holy of Holies,” prime leaders of what it’s like to worship God. But their hearts were far from God.
On a related tangent, God has been also showing and teaching me about His form of leadership, which is vastly different than what I had thought in my mind. It began with a dear friend spilling out wisdom one day while on a hike. Finding myself at the back of the pack, I was restless and itching to move past everyone.
“I’ll admit, I like to be in the front as the leader,” I confessed.
“Yes, but sometimes you need to be in the back to be a good leader.”
I froze, struck to the core as this truth cut between bone and marrow, spirit and flesh. Like a flaming arrow, it hit it’s target in my heart and shattered my former perceptions of leadership.
God expounded on this as I arrived to Cote D’Ivoire. I found myself wanting to be the one in the spotlight, to pray in front of the church, to be the one to give a sermon.
“Would you be okay if you never were in the spotlight again? If your ministry on the entire race consisted of you being hidden, in the background, and no one knowing what you are doing?” He whispered to me while I lay in a hammock. In that moment, I realized humbly that my motives were wrong. That nasty pest of comparison/competition was buzzing around in my mind. I wanted to prove myself as the gifted, spiritual one that God used. I wanted to promote myself rather than God. I wanted the recognition of man more than the recognition of my Father. I had accidentally become a Pharisee. Humbled, with my head bowed low, I prayed and asked for forgiveness and for Him to change my heart. I agreed to choose to be okay to not be in the spotlight again, and to surrender my will and ideas of ministry to Him completely.
What a stark contrast that I found myself a few days later ushered to sit in the front row, with cameras on me as I worshiped God and was asked to speak and sing in front of hundreds of people there live, not counting the thousands that would see it when it aired on international television. My first response was to reject it all. I almost felt offended that the attention was on me when it should be on Jesus. Why were we being served and honored when we came to serve and honor the people here? Everything seemed upside down and the opposite of what a mission trip should look like.
“90% of you in this church are here for the wrong reason. You want a job, you want a miracle, you want a word. When you come to the house of God, you need to put Jesus as the center of everything. I was thinking about the missionaries from America last night as I was praying. Many of them had a job and left it to come here to spread the gospel. They left their families, they left their relationships to answer the call of God on their life.”
As the prophet spoke these words, we were all moved to tears. What a humbling place to be in, to be reminded again of the sacrifices we left to venture out on the World Race. It’s always different to prepare for something and “know” it and then actually step into it and really know it. I will admit that in some areas, it’s been harder than I expected.It’s been 18 days since I left everything I knew as “home”, 13 days since I left the United States, and 11 days since I arrived in this beautiful country. I am missing people more than I thought I would this soon. But acknowledging the cost actually fans the flames of saying yes. It’s hard, yes, it’s a sacrifice, but the reward is worth far more. But it’s also humbling to be used as a testimony to others simply by your life walked out in obedience. There was a purpose for us being in the spotlight. But I had to be content to be in the hidden place, behind the curtains, first. It’s in the hidden place that God rids you of you, so that you are a clear vessel for Him to shine through. Otherwise, light projected on an object creates shadows of darkness.
I’m having to learn how to navigate being in the spotlight and not letting it get to my head, as well as be open and willing for God to use me for His glory however He wants that to be. Whether it’s praying in a prayer closet and no one on Earth ever knowing my name, or being put on International TV. In the end, I’m realizing more and more,
It’s NOT about ME.
