Im not sure if you knew this but in case you didn’t, I just want you to know that I have a better work ethic than you. That’s right, you read that last sentence correctly. When it comes to getting the job done, no matter what it is, I will always work harder than you. Now I know what you are saying, “Where in the world does this child come off from? Aren’t these blogs supposed to uplift, inspire, and be all Godly like?” Well as a matter of fact yes. But you see there is a problem when it comes to this thinking. While my work ethic has earned me a lot of praise and respect with people that I do and do not know, I have realized this past month that it not only damaged my relationship with my earthly father, but it also severely morphed my relationship with my heavenly Father, God, and my understanding of God’s love for me as a Father. My love for both was very Luke 15 like. Time for a story.
Starting when I was an early teenager, my brother started to rebel against my parents and their relationship began to turn sour. For close to ten years, my brother caused all sorts of hell and so in response I used my work ethic to make life easier for them. I had my own rebellious stage, what teenager doesn’t, but for the most part I made it my goal that I would work as hard as I could for them to not make any unnecessary waves in the family. I didn’t want to cause trouble and I would always give my best to do a job right and make life easier for all. My family would be most quiet when my brother was gone when he wouldnt come home for weeks at a time and, honestly, these were the times that I celebrated the most. I loved it when these peacetimes happened and I always loved to give my best for whatever they needed. I loved knowing that I did the best that I could. But almost each and every time, my brother would come back, and my parents would offer a second chance.
To me it was like offering asylum to a convicted terrorist each and every time this happened and I was, each and every time, offended and furious that my parents would allow him back home. I can honestly say, with much regret in my heart, that I had a genuine hatred for my brother. I saw him as a cancer to my family and I never understood why my parents willingly offered him a second chance at second chances of second chances. Each time he received his get out of jail free card, I would go up to my parents and sometimes literally say, “What in the hell is wrong with you?”
My father was a good man and understood more things than I could have possibly imagined, but I viewed him as a foolish man when it came to my brother. I trusted him to be the man of the house and do what was best for our family but he consistently let me down in this area. He was a very frustrating man to me when it came to this one area. I wanted him to never allow my brother back. I wanted him to exile him from the family and hoped that each time he left the house, that he never come back. Where he went, I did not care, and where he was did not concern me. Each time however, I was only let down.
When my father was diagnosed with cancer, in November of 2011, I took it as my most important task to make my father’s life as easy as possible. I quit school in California, and moved back with him and my brother to take care of him in Colorado. As some of you may already now, I was struggling with a pornography addiction that would drive me to the point of near suicide, but because I didn’t want to disappoint my father, I kept it from him. We had talked about how bad porn was but I never wanted to make him feel like a disappointment, like I had let him down. While my brother would continue to raise hell with what he did, I would continue to be baffled at how my father continually tried to reach out to him in his sickness. He loved my brother and it always confused me as to why he did. He wanted only the best for my brother, and it angered me because of all my brother had done to him. He chose to always have my brothers back, and it made me believe that he was a glutton for punishment. Knowing that even after all that he had given, there was a good chance my brother would squander it poorly.
Several months after moving back out to Colorado, I binged hard one night on porn and it became clear to me that if I did not reach out for help I would kill myself. I went to my mother and told her what I had been going through and she advised that I go to get help at a christian based recovery program at our church. I went and other than one relapse, a week after my first meeting, I have never watched porn since. However, I never went to my father and told him what I struggled with. I knew that he was aware I was going through recovery, and I always had an understanding that my mom and he probably talked about what I was going for, but I never actually sat him down to tell him with what I was going for. I wanted to show him one day, but the time never felt right. He supported me in going and I knew that he loved me all the same as if I wasn’t going. But again, I never sat him down to tell him “I am going to Celebrate Recovery because I am a pornography addict.”
In August of 2012, I bought two baseball tickets with the intention to take my father out and watch the first baseball game that I had taken him to. On August 28th, the Rockies would be taking on the Dodgers, and I’m sure that it just being the two of us, a conversation would have happened with me telling him why I was going through recovery. However, life being what it is- something completely out of control, my father would die the day before on August 27th, 2012. My brother and I mourned for my father in two very different ways. While my brother was filled with incredible guilt and regret, I would be okay. I was sure that I had made the most of every opportunity to be with him.
Let’s come back to today.
Entering July, I wanted to learn what it meant to be in a relationship with God. To experience Sonship because honestly, I wasn’t sure if I had experienced it to its fullest. Now that this month is concluding, I am realizing that my relationship with God is very similar to the relationship that I had with my father, which was basically the same thing as the relationships that occurred between the older son and his father in the Prodigal Son story from Luke 15.
The prodigal son is the guy that everyone focuses on because let’s face it, he makes the most noise in this story. But I think a majority of us don’t understand the importance of EACH character that is described in detail. There are three characters. The prodigal son, the father, and the older son, which for some reason I think we subconsciously describe as the “good” son. The good son works for his father day and night, without complaint, without trouble, and without making waves. The prodigal son on the other hand is again, out making noise to make noise and ends up leaving with an inheritance that he doesn’t even deserve. So when the younger son comes back to the house and his father responds to his homecoming with a party, the older son is literally as mad as hell. Literally. Im not kidding. It says in verses 28 through 30, ” the older son became angry and refused to go in [the party]. His father came out and appealed to him, but he answered his father, ‘Look! These many years I have worked like a slave for you, and I never disobeyed your commands. Yet you never gave me even a goat so that I could celebrate with my friends! But when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your assets with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’” I remember reading this passage and going “Oh my gosh, this is my life!” The son worked so hard for his father. He SLAVED for his father to not make life harder than it needed to be, he SLAVED to do the best for his father, and he SLAVED to not make waves. I never viewed the older brother as a faulted man. But now I do. When you work for something like a slave, chances are, you’re probably a slave. I slaved for my father to make his life easier. But I never needed to. Whenever my brother came home and would be shown mercy, love, and grace, I went into a self righteous anger.
“How could you let him come back after all he did?!”
“Why are you showing him love when he took what you gave him and squandered it by throwing it in your face?!”
“How do you know he wont hurt us again?! He’s only done it every time before! Whats stopping him from doing it again?!”
And then I would get all ultimatum like with a, “IF HE STAYS, IF HE COMES BACK, ILL GO! I WILL LEAVE! I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS!” and I would remove myself from the family.
….
If we cant allow grace, we probably have a problem with grace ourselves.
After the son says all his nonsense, his father says, in what I imagine was the most calm, loving, and passionate voice ever, in verses 31 and 32 ” . . .‘Son, you are always with me, and everything that belongs to me is yours. It was appropriate to celebrate and be glad, for your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost and is found.’” Through the father’s words, he tells the older son, “You dont have to do anything to get my favor, my love, my support, or your inheritance. It’s already yours. Why are you trying so hard? I love you just as much as I love your brother.” Like the older son, I never had to earn my father’s grace. I never had to earn my father’s respect. And I know now that I never had to earn my father’s love. My father loved me unconditionally like he loved me brother.
Through the fathers words, God is telling me, you, and every other person who values his or her work ethic so much that we don’t have to do anything either to earn his love. Why are we trying so hard? Because we saw how much He sacrificed when he put Jesus Christ on the cross, His one and only son at the time, to die for us? Stop! It was a gift! No matter how hard, you, me, or any one of us try, we will never be able to earn a gift because gifts cannot be earned! So we need to stop! Our spiritual work ethic will not get us into a relationship with God. God isn’t holding back love, we are pushing away God with our conception that we must earn a title that we already posses so the best thing for us to do with our work ethic is to stop trying so hard.
I want it to be known that I honestly have no idea how to do this by the way. When I first was shown this by God, my first reaction was “What do you mean I dont have to do anything? I wont know what to do with my hands!” So naturally, I was a little insulted by yet again, another notion God had proposed to me. But like my father, when he would respond back to my criticism of him letting my brother back, God is saying “It’s okay. One day you will understand.” God is with us as we travel on the roads we don’t understand with the knowledge that one day we will understand. He is with us always. Even through the confusing parts.
Im so sorry Austin for me not ever showing you grace, love, and mercy. I have never been more proud of you and I love you so much. I know you have regret and guilt for how you were in the past towards mom, dad, and the rest of us, but I want you to know that I forgive you. Im so sorry I kept forgiveness from you for so long and I want you to know that God met me on a rooftop in Haiti to convict me of not being the church, the brother, or the loving representation of Christ that you needed. I want us to be brothers and I promise from here on out that I will give nothing but my all for you. I love you dearly and I miss you very much.
As I close this blog, I want to challenge you all today with an honest gut check. Where are you with God? Are you acting like a slave? Or a son/daughter of God? We were called to live as a son/daughter of God, are you living in freedom? Or are you pushing God away through performance issues or something else. Leave your thoughts and prayers in the comments section. I would love to hear from you all. I love you all so much and Im praying for you often.
Till we talk again,
Brandon Williams
